What helps when a child regrets joining in on exclusion at lunch? 

Parenting Perspective 

Regret after excluding someone is a powerful teaching moment. The goal is to help your child turn that heavy feeling into practical steps that can repair the relationship and build the courage to act differently next time. Children often participate in exclusion to feel a sense of belonging, only to feel the sting of their conscience later. This is an opportunity to show them that regret is a signal to make things right. 

Step 1: Validate Regret as a Sign of a Healthy Conscience 

Begin by reframing the feeling of regret as a positive sign. You can say, ‘That uncomfortable feeling you have is your heart telling you that you want to be a fair person. That is a good sign, not a bad one.’ This helps to frame their regret as a catalyst for growth, not a sign of weakness. 

Step 2: Make a Direct and Private Repair 

Coach your child to use a short and private line to apologise to the child who was excluded. 

‘I am sorry I joined in when you were left out yesterday. That was wrong. Would you like to sit with us tomorrow?’ 

The apology should be delivered calmly and respectfully. Even if the other child hesitates to accept, the sincere effort to make amends is what matters. 

Step 3: Add a Visible Group Repair 

Teach your child to actively shift from exclusion to inclusion with one simple, observable action. 

• Save a seat at the lunch table for the excluded child. 

• Directly invite them to join in with a game. 

• Offer to share materials or class notes. 

• Make a point to greet them first the next day. 

These small, visible acts help to restore the other child’s dignity and break the cycle of exclusion. 

Step 4: Plan a Clear Prevention Step 

Help your child anticipate the next moment of peer pressure. Practise a neutral exit line they can use if a similar situation arises. For example: ‘I do not feel right leaving them out. I am going to ask them to join us.’ Role-playing this line once can make it feel more accessible and usable in the heat of the moment. 

Step 5: Liaise with the School if Necessary 

If exclusion is a systemic problem within the peer group, it may be helpful to send a brief email to the teacher. You could write: ‘My child regrets joining in with leaving someone out and we are practising how to be more inclusive. We would be grateful if you could support this with some gentle oversight at lunchtime.’ When adults are aligned, it helps to protect the child who was hurt and reinforces the positive change. 

End your conversation by reinforcing their sense of belonging and providing clear direction: ‘You are loved here. In our family, we do not leave people out. When we make a mistake, we invite them back in.’ Over time, your child will learn that regret is not a weight to be carried, but a doorway to better and kinder action. 

Spiritual Insight 

Believers Are Protectors of One Another 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Tawbah (9), Verse 71: 

‘And the believing men and the believing women, some of them are role models for each other; where they encourage (the doing of) positive (moral actions), and forbid (the doing of) negative (immoral actions); and they establish their prayer and make the benevolent donations – ‘Zakah’, and they (sincerely) obey (the commandments) of Allah (Almighty) and His Messenger (Prophet Muhammad ﷺ)…’ 

This verse reminds us that believers are meant to stand together and support one another, not push each other out. You can guide your child to see the act of inclusion as an act of faith. When they welcome someone back into the group, they are enjoining what is good and protecting the bonds of brotherhood. Encourage them to make a quiet prayer (dua): ‘O Allah, please help me to include others and to be brave for Your sake.’ 

Upholding the Honour of Brotherhood 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 235, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Do not envy one another; do not inflate prices one to another; do not hate one another; do not turn away from one another; and do not undercut one another, but be, O servants of Allah, brothers.’ 

This hadith teaches that acts of exclusion, envy, and turning away from others are all forms of disunity that are displeasing to Allah. By choosing to repair the harm and practise inclusion, your child is fulfilling the Prophetic call to treat their peers like brothers and sisters in faith. 

Close your discussion with a reassuring thought: in an Islamic home, our mistakes can become our greatest lessons. By teaching your child to pair their regret with a concrete act of repair, you help them grow into someone who notices the hurt of others, acts quickly to fix it, and upholds the dignity of everyone for the sake of Allah Almighty.