What should we do when the hurt keeps coming up in new fights?

Parenting Perspective

When the same past hurt reappears in every new argument, it is a clear sign that the original repair was either incomplete or too vague. Your role is to take the lingering sting seriously, close the old loop properly, and protect the current discussion from becoming a courtroom drama about yesterday. This involves a two-track approach: one for ‘finishing the past’ and another for ‘solving the present.’

Separate Past from Present in the Moment

When an old hurt is brought up, calmly acknowledge it before redirecting. You could say, ‘I hear that the old issue is still causing pain, and we will give it proper time. Right now, however, we need to solve today’s problem.’ It can be helpful to write both issues on a piece of paper so the brain can visually separate the two tracks.

· Track A (Past): The earlier hurt that needs a structured and complete repair.

· Track B (Present): The current behaviour or conflict that needs to be addressed now.

Schedule a ‘Finish the Past’ Appointment

Old hurts require depth and focus, not speed. Schedule a short, specific time to address the issue within the next 24 to 48 hours. Use a visible card titled ‘Finish the Past’ with four clear prompts to guide the conversation.

· Fact: One objective, camera-like sentence about what happened.

· Impact: A statement on how that event still shows up today.

· Repair: One proportionate action that can be taken now.

· Prevention: One visible safeguard to prevent it from happening again.

Place the card on the fridge so your child knows the issue will not be ignored.

Use the ‘Four R’ Script at the Appointment

When you sit down for the appointment, create a calm environment. Sit side by side, keep your voices low, and work through these four steps.

· Regulate: Spend 60–90 seconds focusing on slow breathing, with longer exhales than inhales.

· Recall the fact: State what happened without blame, for example, ‘Last week, you hid the school note.’

· Recognise the impact: Connect the past event to the present feeling. ‘That broke trust, which is why today you still feel afraid of being in trouble.’

· Restore and prevent: Create a concrete plan. ‘For the next five days, you will show me your notes, and we will put a sticky note on your planner as a reminder. I will check kindly, not harshly.’

Writing the plan down in one or two lines makes it official. Taking action restores dignity much faster than debating motives.

Set a Boundary Against ‘Weaponising’ the Past

Establish a clear house rule: ‘No replays after a repair is complete.’ Explain that once an issue has been owned and the repair plan has been finished, it cannot be used to shame someone or to win a future argument. If a family member brings up an old story again, use a simple three-step enforcement.

1. ‘No replays.’

2. ‘State today’s camera fact.’

3. ‘Pick one fix for today.’

If a pattern of behaviour is genuinely repeating, it should be raised privately with specific facts, not used as ammunition in front of others.

Teaching Language That Moves Forward

Offer your children simple phrases that prevent conversations from spiralling into past grievances.

· Instead of ‘You always…’, try ‘Today, the camera fact is…’

· Instead of ‘Remember when you…’, try ‘What I need right now is…’

· Instead of ‘You never changed’, try ‘What would help today is…’

Post these ‘forward phrases’ on the fridge as a reminder for the whole family.

If the Hurt Is Deeper

For hurts that involved humiliation or a serious breach of privacy, the repair needs to be more significant. It should include three parts: a private and sincere apology, a meaningful act of amends, and a clear boundary for the future, such as, ‘We do not share each other’s private messages without permission.’ If the pattern is severe or repeated, consider a brief meeting with a professional counsellor or a trusted imam. Deep hurts deserve skilled support.

Close these discussions with warmth and clarity: ‘You are loved here. We finish old hurts properly so we can protect today’s problems from being drowned by yesterday.’ Over time, your child will learn that their dignity is safe, mistakes are fixable, and new conflicts can be solved without dragging along a chain of old pain.

Spiritual Insight

Seek Help with Patience and Prayer

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verse 153:

‘O those of you who are believers, seek assistance (from Allah Almighty) through resilience and prayer, indeed, Allah (Almighty) is with those that are resilient.’

This verse reminds us that closing old wounds requires steady effort and a strong spiritual anchor. You can bring this into your family routine by beginning your ‘Finish the Past’ appointment with a brief prayer (dua), asking Allah Almighty to soften your hearts, and then proceeding with a concrete repair plan. Patience (sabr) in this context is not passive; it is a disciplined commitment to goodness while the heart heals.

True Strength Is in Mastering Anger

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6114, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

‘The strong person is not the one who defeats others in wrestling, but the strong person is the one who controls himself when angry.’

This hadith teaches that real strength lies in calm self-control, especially when old hurts flare up. Coach your child to pause, breathe, and choose ‘forward phrases’ instead of throwing stones from the past. After a repair plan is complete, teach them to avoid reopening the wound and to perhaps add a small, private good deed for the person who

was hurt, with the intention of pleasing Allah. In this balance, mercy frames the truth, and truth guides the application of mercy.

End with a gentle assurance: in an Islamic home, we do not deny pain, but we also do not live in it forever. We remember Allah, we make repairs with our hands, and we guard our tongues from causing re-injury. By finishing the past and protecting the present, you can raise children who take responsibility without shame and build relationships that are able to heal and grow.