What should my child do if the other person is not ready to forgive?

Parenting Perspective

It can be distressing for a child to feel stuck or ashamed when someone is not ready to forgive them. It is important to teach them that the decision to forgive belongs entirely to the person who was hurt. Our role is to guide them in telling the truth, offering a fair repair, and continuing to behave well, even if forgiveness takes time. This approach protects everyone’s dignity and clarifies where the responsibility lies.

A Simple Three-Step Approach

You can help your child navigate this by focusing on what they can control. Remind them, ‘We cannot control forgiveness, but we can control our honesty, our actions, and our respect.’ This can be broken down into a simple, memorable path.

· Own the fact: State what happened in one clear, factual sentence.

· Offer repair: Propose one fair and achievable step to make things right.

· Give space: Stop trying to persuade the person and continue to show good conduct.

Scripts for Respectful Communication

Coach your child with calm and respectful phrases they can use.

· ‘I am sorry for speaking over you. I can do [specific action] to make it right.’

· ‘I respect that you need more time. I will give you space and keep my promise.’

· ‘If it would be helpful, I can check in with you next week.’

Role-playing these lines once can make the words easier to access when emotions are high.

Completing the Repair Unconditionally

If the other person is not ready to engage, the repair should still be completed without any fuss. This might involve cleaning or replacing the item, returning what is owed, or doing an agreed-upon task. If appropriate, you can take a dated photograph or make a brief note for accountability. This action turns remorse into reliability and prevents the child from endlessly seeking reassurance.

Arranging a Quiet Follow-Up

Agree on a single time to check in, and then avoid repeated requests for forgiveness. A simple, ‘I will message you next Tuesday to see if there is anything more I can do,’ is sufficient. Repeated apologies can feel like pressure, whereas one timely and respectful follow-up shows genuine care.

Guarding Against Self-Punishment

Some children may try to ‘pay’ for their mistake through their own suffering. Redirect this impulse firmly but gently: ‘Feeling bad is not a repair. Let us choose one useful action from our repair menu, and then you can carry on with your day.’ It is also helpful to pair the repair with a visible prevention step, such as a reminder note or a change in routine.

Protecting from Social Consequences

If peers use the situation to tease or exclude your child, it is important to step in with clear boundary-setting scripts.

· Your child to a peer: ‘That issue has been sorted out with the adults. I am focusing on today now.’

· You to a teacher or coach (via email): ‘My child has completed the amends for the situation. Could you please help ensure there is no ongoing shaming? We are now focusing on prevention and positive conduct.’

Do not hesitate to advocate calmly if the situation escalates into harassment.

Modelling a Supportive Dialogue

· Child: ‘They will not forgive me. What do I do now?’

· Parent: ‘You have said your one sentence of truth and offered a fair repair. Now, we give them space. We will check in once next week. In the meantime, you continue to use your prevention step and treat them kindly.’

Conclude the conversation by reinforcing their sense of belonging and direction: ‘You are loved here. In our family, we tell the truth, repair things quickly, give people time, and keep doing what is right.’ This teaches your child that character is proven not by forcing closure, but by making steady amends and showing respectful patience.

Spiritual Insight

Patience and Dignity While You Wait

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Shuraa (42), Verse 43:

‘And for the person who is patient and forgiving, indeed, (these acts are derived from) higher moral determination.’

This verse reminds us that while forgiving is a noble act, patience is required from both sides of a conflict. Coach your child to practise patience (sabr) while they wait for the other person’s heart to heal. This involves completing the repair for the sake of Allah, maintaining good conduct, and seeking forgiveness from Allah (istighfar) for the mistake. Patience in this context is not passive; it is a disciplined commitment to goodness.

The High Value of Reconciliation

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 2509, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

‘Shall I not tell you of something more excellent than fasting, prayer, and charity? Reconciling between people.’

This hadith teaches us that seeking reconciliation is one of the most beloved deeds. Guide your child to pursue it with sincerity but without pressure. This involves one sincere apology, one fair act of amends, one preventative measure, and a single, respectful follow-up. They could also add a small, private good deed for the person’s benefit, such as tidying a shared space, with the intention of pleasing Allah Almighty. If forgiveness is still not granted, they should continue to honour the person’s rights and feelings. Hearts often soften when they experience safety and consistency over time.

As you guide your child, hold this assurance in your heart: in an Islamic home, our worth is granted by Allah Almighty, and our responsibility is demonstrated through truthful action. By teaching your child to repair, give space, and continue in goodness without demanding a response, you nurture humility, courage, and true trustworthiness for His sake.