What reset works when incentives backfire and effort drops? 

Parenting Perspective 

At first, incentives like stickers, stars, or small treats can be a useful way to boost a child’s willingness to help. Sometimes, however, these incentives can backfire. A child may start helping only when a reward is promised, or worse, lose interest altogether if the reward on offer feels too small. Parents can then feel stuck, thinking, ‘If I do not offer them something, they will not help. But if I keep offering rewards, it just feels like bribery.’ 

The solution is not to abandon all forms of encouragement, but to reset the system. This means stepping back from material rewards, re-establishing the real reasons for helping, and creating new habits that connect the act of service to a child’s identity and sense of belonging, rather than to a transaction. 

Step 1: Acknowledge the Issue Calmly 

Do not scold your child for expecting rewards, especially if that is what they have been taught to expect. Instead, you can name the issue gently and clearly: ‘I have noticed that you only seem to want to help if there is a prize involved. The act of helping is too important to depend only on prizes.’ 

Step 2: Reset the Expectation 

Introduce a new family rule about helping. For example: ‘In our home, we all help each other because we are a family and we care for one another. From now on, rewards will be occasional surprises, not something you get every time.’ This helps to re-establish helping as a normal expectation, not a paid job. 

Step 3: Replace Material Rewards with Recognition 

Shift your focus from offering treats to giving meaningful recognition. 

• ‘I saw how quickly you came to help when I asked.’ 

• ‘Your effort in tidying has made the whole room feel so much calmer.’ 

• ‘You have become someone I know I can really count on.’ 

Step 4: Focus on the Natural Rewards 

Help your child to notice the positive and natural consequences of their own helpful actions. 

• ‘Because you helped to tidy up so quickly, we now have more time to read stories together.’ 

• ‘Since you helped to set the table so early, it means dinner was ready on time.’ 

These natural rewards feel more satisfying than stickers because they are directly connected to the results of their effort. 

Step 5: Celebrate Milestones, Not Single Acts 

Instead of offering daily prizes, you can acknowledge their consistency over time. For example: ‘You have been helping to clear the table every day this week without any reminders. That shows real maturity. Let’s do something fun together as a family to celebrate that.’ 

Mini Dialogue Example 

Child: ‘What do I get for helping you today?’ 

Parent: ‘You get the trust of this family, and that is worth more than any prize. And because you helped, we all finished our jobs sooner, which means we now have more time to play together.’ 

Child: ‘…So, helping is the reward?’ 

Parent: ‘Exactly. Prizes might come sometimes as a surprise, but the real reward is knowing that you have made life better for everyone in the family.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that good deeds are not measured by their worldly prizes, but by the intention and sincerity with which they are performed. Resetting your system of incentives is an opportunity to remind your child that the ultimate reward for any effort is with Allah, not in the form of treats or tokens. This helps them to reframe the act of helping as a form of worship, not a transaction. 

The True Reward Is with Allah 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Kahf (18), Verse 30: 

‘Indeed, those people who have attained faith, and have undertaken virtuous actions; without any doubt, We (Allah Almighty) shall not allow the reward to be wasted, of those people that have undertaken the best of good deeds.’ 

This verse is a beautiful reassurance for a child that every act of helping is noticed by Allah, even if a sticker or a treat does not follow it. 

Even the Smallest Good Deeds Matter 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 121, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Do not belittle any good deed, even if it is meeting your brother with a cheerful face.’ 

For a child, this means: ‘Even a very small act of help, like passing a spoon to your mother or smiling while you are helping, is valuable to Allah. No prize is needed, because the reward for it has already been written down for you.’ 

By grounding this reset in their faith, you teach your child that helping is not about, ‘What do I get now?’, but about, ‘What does Allah see in my effort?’ This shift can transform the act of helping from a transaction into a sincere and lasting habit.