What helps when my child says, ‘What do I get if I help?’ 

Parenting Perspective 

It can be frustrating when your child responds to every request for help with the question, ‘What do I get?’ This attitude suggests that they view helping as a transaction, rather than as an act of kindness or responsibility. While it is normal for children to test boundaries and seek rewards, it is essential to guide them towards seeing service as something that is valuable in itself. Otherwise, they may only ever help when they expect something in return, which can weaken their capacity for generosity and gratitude. 

The key is not to scold them for asking, but to gently reframe their mindset. Instead of feeding the transactional question with constant rewards, you can redirect the conversation towards the natural satisfaction of helping, the feeling of family belonging, and the concept of a spiritual reward. 

Gently Reframe Their Question 

When your child asks, ‘What do I get?’, you can respond calmly with: ‘You get to be someone that our family can rely on, and that is worth more than any prize.’ This helps to shift their focus from physical objects to their own identity, allowing them to see themselves as trustworthy and mature. 

Highlight the Natural Rewards of Helping 

Help your child to notice the positive benefits that naturally come from their helpful actions. 

• ‘When you help to put the shopping away, it means dinner can be ready faster, and we can all eat sooner.’ 

• ‘When you carry your own school bag, you are building your strength and becoming more grown-up.’ 

Offer Praise That Builds Internal Pride 

Instead of offering a reward, you can offer praise that focuses on their character: ‘I really liked how you helped me just then without asking for anything in return. That shows real maturity.’ This makes them feel proud of their attitude, not just their actions. 

Teach the Joy of Contribution 

Frame the act of helping as an important part of belonging to the family: ‘In our family, everyone has a part to play. When you help out, you are showing that you care about all of us.’ Children have a deep need to feel that they matter and that they are making a valued contribution. 

Use Occasional, Unexpected Rewards 

Surprise rewards, such as an extra bedtime story or the chance to choose a dessert, can still be used occasionally. The difference is that they come unexpectedly, not because the child has demanded them. This reinforces your own generosity, rather than their sense of entitlement. 

Mini Dialogue Example 

Child: ‘What do I get if I help with the dishes?’ 

Parent: ‘You get to know that the whole family finished the clean-up faster because of you. And that is a great feeling to have.’ 

Child: ‘…But do I get anything else?’ 

Parent: ‘Yes, you get our respect and trust. People rely on those who help, and our trust in you will last much longer than any treat.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that the greatest reward for any act of service is the one that is with Allah. Helping others is an act of worship that builds our character and earns an eternal reward, even when no one else notices. By reminding your child of this, you can shift their focus from, ‘What do I get now?’, to, ‘What am I gaining with Allah?’ 

The True Reward Is with Allah 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Zumar (39), Verse 70: 

‘Every soul shall be repaid for all their deeds; and they shall recognise everything what they used to do.’ 

This verse teaches a child that Allah sees every act of service they perform, no matter how big or small, and that He will reward them for it perfectly. 

Helping Without Expecting Anything in Return 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1930, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever relieves a believer’s distress of the distressful aspects of this world, Allah will rescue him from a difficulty of the difficulties of the Hereafter.’ 

This can be simplified for a child: ‘When you help someone without asking for a prize in return, Allah promises that He will help you in a much bigger way on the Day of Judgement.’ 

By connecting the act of service to a spiritual reward, children begin to see that helping is a treasure that does not always come in the form of sweets or stickers, but in the form of Allah’s mercy and blessings. Over time, they will learn that the true answer to the question, ‘What do I get?’, is something far greater than anything this world has to offer.