What should I do when my child is shy about greeting elders? 

Parenting Perspective 

It is very common for children to feel shy or awkward when they are expected to greet elders, whether at the mosque, during family gatherings, or when visiting neighbours. They might hide behind you, mumble softly, or avoid eye contact altogether. While this shyness is natural, it can sometimes be misinterpreted by elders as rudeness or a lack of respect. Your role as a parent is to gently coach your child, helping the act of greeting to become a natural expression of warmth and respect, without forcing them into a state of discomfort. 

Understand the Reasons for Their Shyness 

A child’s hesitation to greet an elder can stem from several underlying reasons. 

• Fear of being judged or saying the wrong thing. 

• Feeling overwhelmed in social situations with many adults. 

• A lack of confidence regarding what to say or how to behave. 

Recognising these potential feelings allows you to respond with patience and understanding, rather than with frustration or embarrassment. 

Model Warm and Regular Greetings 

Children learn a great deal through imitation. Every time you greet an elder with genuine warmth and respect, you are providing a powerful, real-life demonstration for your child. You might say, ‘Assalamu alaikum, Uncle. How are you today?’ Later, you can whisper to your child, ‘That is how we say salaam. Perhaps you would like to try with me next time?’ 

Practise Greetings in a Safe Environment 

Practising at home, where the environment feels safe and low-pressure, can be very effective. Take turns role-playing as the elder and the child, encouraging them to use simple phrases. 

• ‘Assalamu alaikum’. 

• ‘How are you?’ 

• ‘It is nice to see you’. 

This type of role-play helps the act of greeting to feel familiar and manageable long before they need to do it in a public setting. 

Start Small to Build Confidence Gradually 

Avoid overwhelming your child by pushing them to greet a whole room full of elders at once. It is far better to begin with a single, trusted relative or family friend. You could suggest, ‘Why do you not say salaam to Grandma first?’ As they gain confidence with one person, you can gradually encourage them to greet others. 

Praise the Effort, Not the Performance 

Even if your child only manages to whisper a quiet salaam or make brief eye contact, praise the attempt. For example, ‘I liked how you said salaam to your grandfather, even though it was quiet. That was very respectful’. 

This focus on effort builds their confidence for stronger and clearer greetings in the future. 

An Example Dialogue to Encourage Progress 

Child: ‘I feel too shy to say salaam to everyone’. 

Parent: ‘That is perfectly okay. You can just start with one person today. You can even say it softly if you like. Every time you practise, it will feel a little easier’. 

Child: ‘Can I just say it to Grandma?’ 

Parent: ‘Yes, of course. That will make her so happy’. 

This approach validates their feelings of shyness while encouraging small, achievable steps forward. 

Spiritual Insight 

In the Islamic tradition, greeting others with salaam is much more than a point of etiquette; it is a cherished Sunnah and a profound way of spreading peace. Teaching children to greet their elders helps them to live this Sunnah, even if they begin quietly and gradually. 

The Greeting of Salaam as a Source of Peace 

The Qur’an teaches that the greeting of peace is a blessed gift from Allah Himself. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Noor (24), Verse 61: 

‘…But when you enter the houses, then say Salaam in your greeting, pertaining to Allah (Almighty) for your own benefit, which is bBlessed and a source of purification; in this way (Allah) Almighty has clarified for you the benchmarks (of modest behaviour); so that you may understand (the rationale of the truth).’ 

You can explain this beautiful concept to your child by saying, ‘Salaam is a special gift from Allah. When you offer it to your elders, you are spreading peace and blessings to them’. 

The Spiritual Reward of Spreading Salaam 

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ taught that spreading the greeting of peace is a key to entering Paradise and a means of increasing love between people. 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 68, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘You will not enter Paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Shall I tell you something which, if you do it, you will love one another? Spread the greeting of salaam among you.‘ 

For a child, this can be simplified to mean: ‘When you say salaam to your elders, Allah gives you a great reward and it helps to make people love and care for each other more’. 

By framing the act of greeting as a way to spread peace and earn divine rewards, you can help your child to see beyond their shyness. Over time, they will learn that giving salaam is not a test of their confidence, but a simple and powerful act of faith, love, and connection, one that warms the hearts of their elders and is beloved by Allah Almighty.