What helps my child offer a seat or space kindly, not performatively? 

Parenting Perspective 

Offering a seat to someone on a bus, at a gathering, or in the mosque is a beautiful gesture of kindness. However, children sometimes perform this act with exaggerated flair, loudly announcing their sacrifice, or only when they know adults are watching. This ‘performative helping’ misses the heart of the action. The goal is to teach your child to offer a space quietly, sincerely, and with genuine care for another person’s comfort, not for praise or recognition. 

Explain the Difference Between Sincerity and Performance 

Children may not instinctively understand that their eagerness to be noticed can diminish the value of a kind act. It is important to explain this gently: ‘Offering a seat is a kind gesture when it is done to make someone else comfortable. It is not about making ourselves look good to others. Real kindness is quiet and genuine’. 

This distinction helps them to think about their internal intention, not the external performance. 

Encourage Subtle and Respectful Gestures 

Coach your child in the art of subtlety, encouraging them to perform the action in a way that does not draw attention. 

• Stand up calmly and step aside without making a grand announcement. 

• Offer the seat with simple words, such as, ‘Would you like to sit here?’ 

• Smile gently and move away naturally. 

These quiet behaviours ensure the act remains thoughtful rather than theatrical. 

Teach Them to Recognise Need 

Help your child to become more aware of their surroundings and to notice who might need a seat the most. 

• Elderly people. 

• Pregnant women. 

• Parents holding babies or managing small children. 

• Someone who is struggling with heavy bags. 

This trains their empathy to become the motivation for the action, rather than a desire for praise. 

Model Quiet Generosity Yourself 

Children are natural imitators. When you offer your own seat with calm and understated manners, they will absorb the understanding that this is the dignified way to be helpful. You can reflect with them later by saying, ‘I gave up my seat because that lady looked very tired. It is nice when a small action can help someone, is it not?’ 

Praise the Intention, Not the Performance 

When you see your child offer a space with genuine sincerity, highlight the thoughtfulness behind the action. For instance, ‘I noticed how you quietly stood up for that man. That was a very respectful and kind thing to do’. It is wise to avoid excessive praise, so they do not begin to expect attention for every good deed. 

An Example Dialogue to Refocus Intention 

Child: ‘Did you see me give up my seat? Was that not a good thing to do?’ 

Parent: ‘Yes, I saw. The most special part of that action was making the man feel comfortable. Even if nobody else in the world had noticed, Allah saw it. That is what truly counts’. 

This gentle reframing helps your child to shift their focus from seeking human praise to valuing the inner state of sincerity. 

Spiritual Insight 

The Islamic faith places a profound emphasis on the concept of sincerity (ikhlas), which means performing good deeds purely for the sake of Allah Almighty. Helping others should not be a performance for a human audience, but a humble act of service directed towards the Divine. 

The Centrality of Sincerity (Ikhlas) 

This powerful verse reminds us that sincerity is the required foundation for every act of worship. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Bayyinah (98), Verse 5: 

‘And they were not commanded to worship anyone except Allah (Almighty); become sincere (in following) the pathway of life (compliant with existential nature as created by Allah Almighty), imbued with principled virtuosity, and to establish (ritual) prayer; and to spend in charitable causes; and that was the established pathway of life.’ 

You can explain this to your child by saying, ‘When you offer your seat to someone, if you do it sincerely to please Allah, that simple action becomes an act of worship. The intention is what makes it so valuable’. 

The Virtue of Quiet and Hidden Kindness 

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ taught that acts of charity performed quietly and without seeking recognition are among the most rewarded deeds. 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1031, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The one who gives charity and hides it, such that his left hand does not know what his right hand has given, will be among those shaded on the Day of Judgement.‘ 

For a child, this can be simplified: ‘Allah especially loves kindness that is done quietly or in secret. When you offer your seat without showing off, it makes Allah very pleased, and He promises a special reward for it’. 

By connecting everyday acts of politeness to the core Islamic concept of sincerity, you teach your child that the truest kindness is humble and unseen. Over time, they will learn that offering a seat or making space for another is not about their performance, but about expressing compassion in a way that brings them closer to Allah Almighty.