How do I prevent ‘parentifying’ while still encouraging real help? 

Parenting Perspective 

It is a beautiful thing when children want to help at home, whether it is by fetching items, soothing a younger sibling, or assisting with chores. However, there is a fine line between healthy responsibility and ‘parentification’, a situation where a child is burdened with adult-level roles, emotional weight, or caregiving duties that are beyond their maturity. Parentified children can become stressed, lose their childhood joy, or begin to feel they are responsible for fixing everyone’s problems. The key is to encourage genuine, age-appropriate help while protecting their right to remain children. 

Understand What Parentification Looks Like 

Parentification often occurs when children are expected to take on roles they are not equipped to handle. 

• Emotional roles: This includes comforting a parent with their adult worries or acting as a confidant for complex problems. 

• Excessive caregiving: This might involve regularly feeding, dressing, or disciplining younger siblings without adult supervision. 

• Conditional worth: The child may begin to feel that their value in the family depends on being ‘the helper’. 

Encourage Age-Appropriate Help 

Set clear and realistic boundaries around the kind of help that is suitable for your child’s age and developmental stage. 

• Young children: can put their toys in a basket, fetch nappies, or help to set the table. 

• Primary school-aged children: can assist with simple meal preparation tasks, tidy their own space, or read a book to a younger sibling. 

• Older children: can fold laundry, watch a sibling for a few minutes while you are occupied, or help to plan a family meal. 

Avoid Emotional Parentification 

Children should never be made to feel like your counsellors or stress-relievers. If you catch yourself saying things like, ‘I do not know what I would do without you,’ or, ‘You are the only one who understands me,’ it is important to pause and redirect those conversations to other adults. Instead, you can affirm their role as children by saying: ‘I love how much you helped me just then. You are still my child, and your most important job is to play, learn, and grow.’ 

Praise Their Effort Without Over-Burdening Them 

Appreciate your child’s help without making them feel responsible for everyone else’s happiness. For example, say: ‘Thank you for helping with your brother. That was very kind of you,’ rather than, ‘You are the only one I can rely on to help me.’ 

Step In Quickly If the Load Becomes Too Big 

If you notice your child becoming stressed or overwhelmed while helping, step in and take over. You could say: ‘I will do this part now. You have done more than enough. Why do you not go and play?’ This reassures them that their responsibilities have clear and safe limits. 

Mini Dialogue Example 

Child: ‘I will take care of the baby so you do not get too tired.’ 

Parent: ‘That is a very kind and thoughtful thing to say. You can play with him for a few minutes, but remember that looking after him is my job. Your job is to enjoy being a wonderful big brother. Thank you so much for helping me in these small ways.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam values the act of helping others, but it also teaches the importance of moderation and balance. Children should be guided to help in ways that do not overburden them, so that their efforts remain acts of sincere kindness rather than sources of stress and anxiety. 

The Principle of Balanced Responsibility 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verse 286: 

‘Allah (Almighty) does not place any burden on any human being except that which is within his capacity; bearing the (fruits of the) goodness he has earnt, and bearing the (consequences of the) evil he has earnt (in the worldly life)…’ 

You can explain this principle to your child by saying: ‘Allah never gives us a bigger burden than we can handle. In the same way, we as parents should not give our children more responsibilities than they can manage. Helping a little is a good thing, but the big responsibilities belong to the adults.’ 

Helping Others Should Be a Source of Ease 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6125, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Make things easy and do not make them difficult, give glad tidings and do not drive people away.’ 

This connects perfectly to the idea of avoiding parentification. Children should be encouraged to help in ways that are easy and uplifting for them, not burdensome or overwhelming. You can explain this to a child by saying: ‘Helping our family should feel light and kind. Allah and His Messenger ﷺ want us to make things easier for each other, not harder.’