How do I teach ‘I’ statements instead of pointing at others? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children often react to conflict or frustration by pointing at others, saying things like, ‘He made me do it!’ or ‘She is annoying me!’ This habit shifts the blame outwards and prevents them from expressing their own feelings in a responsible way. Teaching children to use ‘I’ statements, such as, ‘I feel upset when my toy is taken,’ helps them to build emotional awareness, communicate respectfully, and take ownership of their feelings. 

Understand Why Children Blame Others 

Blaming others can often feel easier for a child than admitting their own feelings. They may do this because they are trying to: 

• Avoid responsibility by highlighting what their sibling or friend did wrong. 

• Lacking the words to describe their own complex emotions. 

• Believing that pointing out the other person’s fault is the only way to be heard. 

Model ‘I’ Statements in Your Everyday Life 

Children learn best from what they hear and see around them. You can show them how to use ‘I’ statements in your own daily interactions. For example: ‘I feel a little stressed when the room is messy, because it makes it hard for me to find things.’ This demonstrates how to be honest about a feeling without assigning blame. 

Practise with Simple, Repeatable Scripts 

You can teach your child a short, repeatable structure that they can easily remember and use. 

• ‘I feel ___ when ___ happens.’ 

• ‘I need ___ so I can feel better.’ 

Examples: 

• ‘I feel sad when my drawing is torn.’ 

• ‘I feel happy when we share our toys.’ 

Role-play these phrases during calm times so that your child is ready to use them in real situations. 

Correct Gently in the Moment 

When your child points a finger at someone else, you can gently guide them back to expressing their own feelings. For instance, if your child says, ‘He is annoying me!’, you could respond with, ‘Try saying it this way: “I feel annoyed when he keeps tapping my shoulder.” That helps me to understand you much better.’ 

Celebrate Their Efforts 

When your child successfully manages to use an ‘I’ statement, be sure to praise their attempt: ‘I really liked how you told me how you were feeling without blaming anyone. That really helps me to understand you.’ 

Mini Dialogue Example 

Child: ‘She will not let me play!’ 

Parent: ‘Let’s try saying it this way: “I feel left out when I cannot join in the game.” That way, you are telling me about your own feelings, not just pointing at your sister.’ 

Child: ‘…I feel left out when I cannot play.’ 

Parent: ‘Good job! Now we know how you are feeling, we can figure out how to make it better.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches believers to speak truthfully, fairly, and gently. Encouraging a child to use ‘I’ statements helps them to grow into a Muslim who can express themselves with honesty and respect, without causing harm to others with their words. 

The Command to Speak with Justice and Kindness 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verse 53: 

‘And inform My servants that they should speak in only the politest manner (when they speak to the extremists in disbelief); indeed, Satan is (always ready for) infusing anarchy between them, as indeed, Satan is the most visible enemy for mankind.’ 

This verse is a powerful reminder that our words can either cause conflict or create peace. You can explain to your child: ‘When you use words like, “I feel upset,” you are choosing to say what is best, instead of starting a fight by blaming someone.’ 

The Importance of Controlling the Tongue 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 48, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should speak good or remain silent.’ 

For a child, this can be simplified: ‘The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ taught us that if we are going to speak, we should make sure we say good words. Using ‘I’ words is a way of speaking good, because it tells the truth about how we feel without hurting anyone else.’ 

By linking ‘I’ statements to the Islamic teachings on speech, a child comes to see that respectful expression is not just a social skill, but a way of living their faith. Over time, this helps them to form relationships that are built on honesty, fairness, and kindness.