How can I stop ‘He started it’ from ending every sibling conflict? 

Parenting Perspective 

Sibling conflicts are a common part of family life and often end with the familiar cry: ‘He started it!’ or ‘She did it first!’ This blame game usually shifts the focus away from solving the problem and instead locks both children into an argument about who is more guilty, rather than what needs to change. As a parent, your role is not to act as the referee of ‘who started it’, but to guide your children towards responsibility, problem-solving, and kindness. 

Understand the Function of Blame 

When a child shouts, ‘He started it!’, they are usually trying to achieve a specific goal. 

• Avoid punishment: They hope to deflect any negative consequences. 

• Shift responsibility: They want to place the blame entirely on their sibling. 

• Justify their own behaviour: They are arguing that their reaction was acceptable because of what their sibling did first. 

Focus on Solutions, Not on Who Started It 

Instead of getting drawn into an investigation of who began the conflict, it is more effective to ask questions that focus on the present moment and the path forward. 

• ‘What is happening right now?’ 

• ‘What can we do to fix this situation?’ 

• ‘How can you both move forward from this with kindness?’ 

This takes the attention away from blame and places it firmly on resolution. 

Teach Both Children to Own Their Part 

Explain to your children that every conflict has two sides, and each person is responsible for their own actions. You could say: ‘Even if your brother did annoy you first, you are still responsible for how you chose to react. Both of you can choose a better way next time.’ This helps a child to see that they cannot simply pass on responsibility by pointing a finger. 

Encourage Restorative Actions 

Instead of focusing on punishment, guide your children towards acts of repair. 

• If a toy was grabbed, the child who took it should return it and practise asking politely. 

• If hurtful words were used, they should offer a sincere apology. 

• If their play became too rough, they should take a short break before playing together again. 

Mini Dialogue Example 

Child 1: ‘He started it!’ 

Parent: ‘I am not looking for who started it right now. I want to hear what each of you can do to make this better.’ 

Child 2: ‘…I can give him back the toy.’ 

Child 1: ‘…I can try to ask for it politely instead of grabbing.’ 

Parent: ‘Good. That is how we solve problems in our family.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches the importance of justice, fairness, and personal responsibility. In any conflict, the primary focus should not be on proving who started it, but on behaving justly and seeking to repair the relationship. Teaching this principle to siblings helps to ground their behaviour in the values of their faith. 

Justice Is More Important Than Blame 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verse 9: 

‘And if two factions amongst the believers quarrel with each other, then mediate (making peace) between them; but if one of the groups subjugates (the rights) of the other (wilfully and maliciously); then fight against the oppressors until they return to the commandment of Allah (Almighty); and if they revert through mediation (and make peace) between them with justice and equity; then indeed, Allah (Almighty) loves those who are equitable.’ 

This verse reminds us that when conflicts arise, the main priority is to restore peace and to act with justice, not to endlessly debate who was the first to do wrong. For children, you can simplify this by saying: ‘Allah loves it when we make peace and act fairly, not when we argue about who started the fight.’ 

Accountability for One’s Own Actions 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2609, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong man is not the one who throws others down, but the strong man is the one who controls himself when angry.’ 

This hadith shows that true strength lies in self-control, not in winning an argument or proving someone else is to blame. For siblings, you can explain: ‘Even if someone annoys you first, real strength means controlling your own anger and choosing to respond with kindness.’ 

By linking conflict resolution to these Islamic values, your children learn that peace in the family is more important than proving who is guilty. Over time, the phrase, ‘He started it,’ will lose its power, and will be replaced by a sense of honest self-responsibility and a stronger bond between them.