How can I balance teaching acceptance with motivating them to improve? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children often struggle to hold two seemingly opposite ideas at the same time: accepting who they are right now, and still striving to become better. Some may lean towards giving up easily, thinking that acceptance means ‘I do not need to try,’ while others may push themselves harshly, never feeling good enough. As a parent, your task is to help them find a healthy balance, teaching them that acceptance is about recognising their inherent worth, while motivation is about using that secure sense of worth as a foundation for growth. 

Begin with an Affirmation of Their Worth 

True acceptance starts with reassurance. When your child faces a failure or is feeling ‘less than’ others, your first step should be to remind them of their value. You could say: ‘You are valuable and loved just as you are, no matter what happens.’ This builds the emotional security they need to hear any encouragement that follows. Without this foundation, any talk of improvement can feel like criticism. 

Frame Growth as a Form of Self-Care 

Once they feel accepted and secure, you can gently show them that the desire to grow is not about proving themselves to others, but about becoming stronger for their own benefit. You could say: ‘Allah made you special and gave you many wonderful gifts. When you try to improve at something, you are simply making those beautiful gifts shine even brighter.’ 

Use Real-Life Scenarios to Illustrate 

The concepts of acceptance and growth can be explained through simple, everyday examples. 

• Schoolwork: ‘It is okay that you are finding maths difficult right now; that does not make you any less smart. We accept where you are, and with some practice, we know you will get better.’ 

• Sports: ‘You may not have won the race this time, and that is perfectly fine. You still ran bravely. If you keep practising, you will improve for next time.’ 

Teach a ‘Two Hands’ Approach 

You can encourage your child to visualise this balance with a simple analogy. 

• One hand holds acceptance: ‘I am a good person, even when I make mistakes.’ 

• The other hand holds improvement: ‘I can always try again and learn to be better.’ 

Together, these two hands give a person balance and strength. 

Mini Dialogue Example 

Child: ‘I am so bad at drawing. I will never get any better.’ 

Parent: ‘Your drawings are already so creative, and that is something to be really proud of. It is true they may not look exactly how you want them to just yet, but every time you practise, they will improve. Being proud of what you can do today and wanting to improve for tomorrow can go together.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam beautifully balances the concepts of acceptance and striving. A believer is taught to accept the decree of Allah with contentment (rida), while at the same time striving for excellence (ihsan) in all their actions. Teaching this duality helps a child to embrace themselves as they are, while always working to grow closer to their potential. 

Acceptance of Allah’s Plan 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Taghaabun (64), Verse 11: 

‘And no calamity befalls (upon mankind) except with the permission of Allah (Almighty); and those who believe in Allah (Almighty), He guides his heart (towards the truth); and Allah (Almighty) is Omniscient of everything.’ 

This verse reminds us that an essential part of faith is the acceptance of difficulties and outcomes that are beyond our control. A child can learn from this: ‘Even if things do not go the way I want, I can trust in Allah’s plan and accept myself as I am today.’ 

The Command to Strive for Improvement 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 4168, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, while there is good in both. Strive for that which will benefit you, seek help from Allah, and do not give up.’ 

This hadith teaches that striving for growth and strength is a vital part of faith. Allah loves to see us making an effort to improve ourselves, while still acknowledging that there is good in every believer, regardless of their current strength. 

By combining these two teachings, you can help your child to understand that acceptance is not an excuse to remain stagnant, nor is motivation a reason to feel unworthy. Acceptance brings peace in the present moment, while motivation provides hope for the future. When children learn to hold both, they develop a healthy and balanced confidence: loved and accepted as they are, and inspired to continue growing.