What should I do when they ask, ‘Why me and not them?’ 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child asks, ‘Why me and not them?’, the question usually comes from a place of deep hurt and comparison. Perhaps they feel left out of a friendship group, overlooked for a school activity, or rejected while others were chosen. This question can pierce a parent’s heart, as it reveals a child wrestling with the concept of fairness. The challenge is to help them process these powerful feelings without allowing them to fall into resentment or hopelessness. 

Validate Their Feelings First 

Before offering any explanations, the most important first step is to acknowledge how they feel. You could say: ‘I can hear how upset you are. It feels so unfair when it seems like others get something and you do not.’ A child needs to know that their feelings are seen and accepted before their heart can be open to guidance. 

Gently Explain Life’s Differences 

Help your child to understand that life is full of natural differences, and these differences do not mean that one person is more loved or valued than another. 

• ‘Your friend might be able to run faster, but you are able to draw so beautifully.’ 

• ‘Sometimes you will be the one who is chosen, and sometimes it will be someone else. Everyone has their own different moments to shine.’ 

This teaches your child that comparison is not the true measure of their worth. 

Shift Their Focus from ‘Why Me?’ to ‘What Now?’ 

Gently guide them to reframe the situation. Instead of remaining stuck in the pain of ‘Why me?’, encourage them to ask more empowering questions. 

• ‘What can I learn from this experience?’ 

• ‘What is one thing I could do differently next time?’ 

• ‘What is something else I can focus on right now that will bring me joy?’ 

Share Your Own Stories 

Children listen deeply when parents share stories from their own lives. You could say: ‘When I was younger, I was not always picked for things either. At the time, I felt very sad. But those moments taught me to try harder, and sometimes they even led me to discover things I was better at.’ 

Offer Practical Tools to Use in the Moment 

• Breathing space: Teach your child to pause and take a few deep breaths before reacting to a disappointment. 

• Gratitude check: Help them to name three things they have in their life that they are grateful for. 

• Goal reset: Help them to set one small, realistic target they can work on next. 

Mini Dialogue Example 

Child: ‘Why did they get picked for the team and not me?’ 

Parent: ‘I know it hurts when that happens, and I can see you are disappointed. Sometimes we do not get what we hoped for, but that does not mean you are any less special. It just means this was not your turn. Let’s think together about what you can do next, or what else we can enjoy right now.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam offers a gentle and reassuring way to explain the concepts of fairness and destiny. A child can learn that everything that happens is part of Allah’s perfect wisdom, and that every person has their own unique gifts and journey. 

Trust in Allah’s Perfect Measure 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujurat (49), Verse 13: 

‘O mankind, indeed, We (Allah Almighty) have created you all from one man and one woman; and placed you amongst various nations and tribes for your introduction to each other; indeed, the best of you in the judgement of Allah (Almighty) is the one who is most virtuous…’ 

This verse teaches us that what makes a person valuable is not being chosen by people, but being known and loved by Allah for their goodness and piety. You can tell your child: ‘People might sometimes choose one person over another, but Allah values us for our kind hearts and our good efforts, not for the same things that other people see.’ 

Understand Trials as a Path to Goodness 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 4031, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The greatest reward comes with the greatest trial. When Allah loves a people, He tests them. Whoever accepts that wins His pleasure, but whoever is discontent with it earns His wrath.’ 

This hadith can remind a child that feeling disappointed is not a sign of unfairness from Allah, but a chance to grow in patience and draw closer to Him. You could explain: ‘When something feels unfair, it might be that Allah is giving you a special chance to show your patience and become stronger. That is a very special gift.’ 

When your child asks, ‘Why me and not them?’, you can gently remind them that Allah’s plan is always perfectly fair and wise, even if we cannot see the full picture in the moment. Over time, they will learn that being patient with what they did not receive often brings unexpected blessings later on. This helps a child to stop measuring their worth by the choices of other people, and instead to see their own unique journey as one that is guided and cherished by Allah.