What do I say when I fail at something so they see resilience? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children are careful observers of how their parents handle failure. If you react to your own setbacks with frustration, despair, or harsh self-criticism, they learn that failure is a shameful event to be avoided at all costs. However, if you respond with resilience, they see that setbacks are not the end of the story, but a normal part of growth. Admitting your own failures calmly, while demonstrating persistence, teaches your child that mistakes do not diminish a person’s worth; they build strength. 

Be Honest About Your Own Failures 

When you fail at something, avoid the temptation to hide it completely. Share the experience in a calm, age-appropriate way that normalises it. 

• ‘I tried to do something today, and it did not work out as I had planned.’ 

• ‘I felt a little upset when I failed, but now I am thinking about how I can improve for next time.’ 

This shows them that even adults face failure, and it can be handled without shame. 

Model Calm Language in the Moment 

The words you use to describe your failure will shape your child’s perspective on their own. 

• Instead of, ‘I cannot believe I messed up again,’ you could say, ‘That did not work, but I will keep trying.’ 

• Instead of, ‘I am useless at this,’ try saying, ‘I have learned something important for next time.’ 

This models patience and a proactive, problem-solving approach. 

Demonstrate Healthy Coping Mechanisms 

Allow your child to witness the constructive strategies you use to manage the frustration of failure. This shows them that failure is not an end point, but part of a process. 

• Taking a short break to breathe and clear your head. 

• Writing down what you might try differently next time. 

• Asking for advice or taking time to learn a new skill. 

Involve Them in the Recovery Process 

When appropriate, you can invite your child into your journey of trying again. This makes the concept of failure feel less isolating and more like a collaborative learning experience. 

• ‘Can you help me think of a new way to try this?’ 

• ‘Let’s practise this together so we can both get better at it.’ 

Celebrate the Courage It Takes to Try 

Remind them, and yourself, that the act of trying is a victory in itself, regardless of the outcome. This shifts the focus from success versus failure to the importance of resilience. 

• ‘I am glad I gave that a go, even if I did not succeed this time.’ 

• ‘Every attempt makes us stronger, even when we do not win.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches us that our effort and the sincerity of our intention matter far more to Allah than our worldly outcomes. A failure is never truly a loss when it is faced with patience and a steadfast trust in Allah Almighty. Showing resilience in your own failures is a powerful way to reflect this truth for your child. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Ankaboot (29), Verse 69: 

‘And those people that endeavour (to please) Us (Allah Almighty); so, We (Allah Almighty) shall indeed, guide them (to those pathways) that lead to Us; and indeed, Allah (Almighty) is with those who are benevolent (in their actions).’ 

This verse is a beautiful reassurance that sincere striving always leads to growth and divine guidance, even if worldly success is not immediate. It teaches a child that the effort itself is what matters. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1162, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The most complete of the believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are those who are best to their families.’ 

This hadith reminds us that the true measure of a believer is their character. For children, watching you handle failure with patience, honesty, and a commitment to improve is a powerful lesson in what good character looks like in practice, especially within the family. 

By sharing your own failures openly, calmly, and with resilience, you show your child that setbacks do not define a person, but how one responds to them does. Over time, they will grow to see failure not as a source of shame, but as an opportunity: a chance to learn, to grow stronger, and to draw closer to Allah through patience.