What should I do when they mock themselves before others can? 

Parenting Perspective 

Some children develop the habit of using self-mockery as a shield. They will make fun of themselves before anyone else has the chance, saying things like, ‘I am rubbish at this anyway,’ or, ‘I know I am going to lose.’ While this may look like humour on the surface, it often conceals a deep-seated fear of embarrassment, rejection, or failure. By laughing at themselves first, they hope to lessen the sting if others join in. Although occasional self-deprecation can be harmless, a frequent habit of self-mockery can erode a child’s self-esteem. Your role as a parent is to gently interrupt this cycle and help them build confidence that is rooted in self-compassion. 

Recognise the Fear Beneath the Joke 

Instead of laughing along with the joke, gently acknowledge the emotion that may be hiding behind it. This shows your child that you see beyond their humorous defence and understand their underlying fear. 

• ‘I wonder if you are making that joke because you are worried others might laugh at you first.’ 

• ‘It sounds like you might be feeling concerned about not doing well.’ 

Teach Self-Kindness Instead of Self-Mockery 

Help your child to replace self-deprecating remarks with gentler, more constructive language. By modelling alternatives, you show them that humility does not require them to tear themselves down. 

• Instead of, ‘I am rubbish at this,’ encourage them to say, ‘I am still learning how to do this.’ 

• Instead of, ‘I will lose anyway,’ suggest, ‘I am going to give it my best.’ 

Highlight Their Efforts and Strengths 

Counteract their negative self-talk by reminding them of their inherent abilities and the value of their efforts. This helps them to see that their worth is not defined by winning or achieving perfection. 

• ‘I have seen how hard you have been practising, and that shows real dedication.’ 

• ‘Even if you do not feel you are the best at this, you always bring so much creativity to it.’ 

Role-Play Healthier Responses 

Practise navigating scenarios where your child might feel embarrassed or insecure. This preparation can help them to respond with resilience instead of defaulting to self-mockery. 

• If they miss a goal in a game, guide them to think, ‘That did not work, but I will try again,’ instead of, ‘I am terrible at this.’ 

• If they make a mistake in class, encourage the mindset of, ‘Oops, that was not right. I have learned something new today.’ 

Model Gentle Self-Acceptance 

Show your child that you also make mistakes and that you face them without harsh self-criticism. This makes the lesson feel more authentic and relatable. 

• ‘I just spilled the water. That was a bit clumsy of me, but these things happen.’ 

• You could even share a time when you used to mock yourself but learned to speak more kindly instead. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches the importance of maintaining dignity, self-respect, and avoiding any speech that diminishes one’s God-given worth. Persistent self-mockery goes against the spirit of honour that Allah Almighty has bestowed upon every human being. Teaching your child to speak respectfully about themselves is a vital part of nurturing their Islamic identity. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verse 11: 

‘Those of you who are believers, do not let a nation ridicule another nation, as perhaps it may be that they are better than them…’ 

This verse, which forbids believers from mocking one another, carries an important lesson about self-talk. If ridiculing others is prohibited, then turning that ridicule upon oneself should also be avoided. It reminds a child that dignity in speech applies to everyone, including themselves. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1927, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘A Muslim is the brother of a Muslim. He does not oppress him, nor does he abandon him, nor does he belittle him.’ 

This hadith teaches that belittling anyone, even oneself, is contrary to the spirit of Islam. A child can learn from this that they should speak with honour about themselves, just as they are expected to speak about others. 

By teaching these principles, you help your child to understand that constant self-mockery is not a sign of humility, but a form of self-harm. True humility is about recognising one’s limitations while still respecting the honour that Allah Almighty has granted them. Over time, they will learn to replace this habit with a language of patience, resilience, and self-respect, knowing that their worth comes not from perfection, but from being created and loved by their Lord.