How can I guide them to say what hurts instead of lashing out? 

Parenting Perspective 

When children feel hurt, their initial response is often to lash out by yelling, hitting, or withdrawing. This reaction typically stems from not yet having the words or the emotional regulation to express what they are truly feeling inside. Guiding them to articulate their pain, rather than reacting aggressively, is one of the most valuable life skills you can impart. It helps them to build healthier relationships, develop emotional intelligence, and learn that clear communication is far more effective than aggression. 

Validate the Hurt Behind the Anger 

Children often lash out because the real emotion, whether it is sadness, embarrassment, or rejection, feels too overwhelming to express directly. You can begin by helping them identify what might be lying beneath the surface of their anger. 

• ‘I wonder if you feel hurt that your brother did not listen to you.’ 

• ‘It seems like you were embarrassed when your friend laughed, and that is what made you angry.’ 

This approach shows them that anger is often a secondary emotion that conceals deeper feelings. 

Teach Simple Phrases to Express Pain 

Provide your child with straightforward language they can use in the heat of the moment. Having these phrases ready makes it easier for them to replace impulsive actions with considered words. 

• ‘That hurt my feelings when you said that.’ 

• ‘I feel left out when you do not include me.’ 

• ‘I felt embarrassed when you laughed at me.’ 

Practise Through Role-Playing 

You can help your child build confidence by rehearsing common scenarios in a calm environment. This practice makes the skill feel more natural before a real situation arises. 

• Pretend you are a sibling who has taken their toy and guide them to say, ‘That upset me; please could you give it back?’ 

• Act as a friend who ignored them, and help them practise saying, ‘I felt sad when you did not listen to me earlier.’ 

Praise Their Efforts to Use Words 

Whenever your child successfully expresses their hurt with words instead of lashing out, offer warm and specific praise. This positive reinforcement encourages them to repeat the behaviour. 

• ‘I am so proud that you told me you felt upset instead of shouting.’ 

• ‘It was very brave of you to say what hurt your feelings instead of hitting.’ 

Model Calm Communication Yourself 

Children learn a great deal by observing the adults around them. Show them how you express hurt in a calm and constructive way, demonstrating that this approach is a sign of strength, not weakness. 

• ‘I felt upset when that happened earlier, but I am glad we can talk about it now.’ 

• Share a personal example of a time when you chose to use words instead of reacting with anger. 

Teach Self-Calming Techniques 

Sometimes, a child needs a moment to settle their emotions before they can find the right words. Teach them simple strategies to create a pause between feeling hurt and reacting. 

• Taking a few deep breaths. 

• Counting slowly to ten. 

• Stepping away from the situation for a moment before responding. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam consistently encourages believers to control their anger and to speak with kindness, even when they have been hurt. By teaching your child to use words instead of reacting aggressively, you are helping them to follow the guidance of the Prophet ﷺ and to build a character that is pleasing to Allah Almighty. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Furqaan (25), Verse 63: 

‘And the true servants of the One Who is Most Beneficent are those who wander around the Earth with humility; and when they are addressed by the ignorant people, they say: “Peace be unto you”.’ 

This verse reminds us that true strength is demonstrated when we respond to harshness with calm, respectful words rather than matching aggression with more aggression. 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 4186, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever restrains his anger when he is able to act upon it, Allah will call him before all of creation on the Day of Judgement and let him choose from the maidens of Paradise whomever he wishes.’ 

This hadith highlights that controlling anger and avoiding harmful reactions is a path to earning the immense pleasure of Allah. For children, it teaches that choosing to say what hurts, instead of lashing out, is not only a wise decision but also a deeply rewarded one. 

By sharing these teachings, you guide your child to see that their words can be a source of healing rather than additional harm. Over time, they will learn that true strength lies in calm expression, not aggression, and that Allah Almighty values patience, composure, and truthful words.