How do I help when nerves make them underperform in public? 

Parenting Perspective 

For many children, performing in public, whether it is reading in class, giving a presentation, or competing in sports, can feel overwhelming. Their hands might shake, their voice may tremble, and their mind can go blank. Even if they know the material perfectly, nerves can sometimes prevent them from showing their true ability. When this happens, children often feel embarrassed, frustrated, or convinced they are not “good enough.” As a parent, your role is to help them understand that nerves are normal, teach them practical strategies to manage anxiety, and encourage them to view each experience as an opportunity for growth, not a reason for failure. 

Acknowledge Their Experience With Empathy 

When they come off stage or finish their presentation feeling upset, avoid saying, “You were fine” or “Do not be so nervous.” To your child, the nerves felt real and overwhelming. Instead, it is best to respond with compassion: 

• ‘I could see you were feeling nervous up there, and that is a completely normal feeling.’ 

• ‘Many people, even adults, feel nervous when they have to speak or perform in public.’ 

This simple act of normalising their feelings helps them to feel understood and less alone. 

Teach Them That Nerves Are a Sign of Caring 

Explain that feeling nervous is not a sign of weakness, but is actually proof that they care about doing well. You can say: 

• ‘You felt nervous because you wanted to do your best, and that is a good thing.’ 

• ‘Even professional performers still feel nervous before they go on stage. They just learn how to use that energy in a positive way.’ 

This simple reframing helps them to see their nerves as a source of motivation rather than a sign of failure. 

Equip Them With Practical Coping Tools 

Give them some simple strategies to help them handle their nerves before and during public situations: 

• Breathing exercises: Teach them to inhale slowly through their nose, hold for a few seconds, and then exhale slowly through their mouth to calm their body. 

• Positive self-talk: Encourage them to use phrases like, ‘I have practised for this. I can do this.’ 

• Small rehearsals: Let them practise in front of you, then in front of siblings, and then perhaps a few close friends, to gradually build their confidence. 

• Focus techniques: Suggest that during the performance, they could try looking at one friendly face they know or a neutral object in the room, rather than scanning the whole crowd. 

These practical coping tools can help to build their resilience for each new opportunity they face. 

Share Real-Life Examples of Nervous Success 

Show them that feeling nervous does not prevent success, but can actually be a part of it: 

• Tell them about professional athletes who admit to feeling nervous before every single competition. 

• Mention famous speakers or leaders who confess to having stage fright but are still able to deliver powerful and effective messages. 

• Share your own experiences of feeling nervous, emphasising how you managed to continue despite the feeling. 

These examples can reassure your child that feeling nervous is a normal part of almost everyone’s journey. 

Praise Their Effort Over Perfection 

After the performance, do not just comment on how well or poorly they did. Instead, focus on the courage it took for them to participate: 

• ‘I am so proud that you stood up there and gave it a go, even though you were feeling nervous.’ 

• ‘The fact that you kept going, even when it was hard, shows real bravery.’ 

This helps to build their confidence by showing that you value their effort and persistence, not just a flawless result. 

Encourage Reflection and Growth 

Help them to look back at the experience in a constructive way: 

• Ask, ‘Was there anything that helped you to stay calm, even for a little bit?’ 

• Ask, ‘What is one thing we could try differently for next time?’ 

• End with encouragement: ‘Every time you perform, you get a little bit stronger. The feeling of nervousness will get smaller with practice.’ 

This approach turns each public challenge into a constructive learning step rather than a discouraging failure. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches us that anxiety and nervousness are a natural part of our human weakness, but with patience, prayer, and trust in Allah Almighty, even the most nervous hearts can find calm. By connecting your child’s experience to their faith, you give them a powerful spiritual anchor to help them manage their nerves with dignity. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Ra’ad (13), Verse 28: 

‘…Indeed, it is only with the remembrance of Allah (Almighty) that one can (and does) find peace of mind and heart.’ 

This verse teaches that when anxiety feels overwhelming, remembering Allah Almighty is what brings true peace and calm to our hearts. Teaching your child to quietly say ‘Bismillah’ before they begin can give them a moment of connection and a source of inner strength. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 147, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘If one of you feels anxious about something, let him say: “O Allah, there is no ease except in that which You make easy, and You make the difficult easy if You wish.”’ 

This beautiful supplication reminds us that turning to Allah in our moments of nervousness is a way of inviting His help, which can soften the difficulty and bring ease to the heart. 

By sharing these teachings, you can show your child that their nerves do not make them weak. They are a natural part of striving, and that with the remembrance of Allah Almighty, they can learn to transform their nervousness into calm determination. 

Over time, your child will learn to embrace their nerves as a part of their growth. Instead of fearing public challenges, they will learn to face them with practical strategies, resilience, and a deep trust in Allah Almighty, secure in the knowledge that their courage and sincerity matter far more than a perfect performance.