What if they compare themselves harshly to top students? 

Parenting Perspective 

It is natural for children to notice classmates who achieve higher grades, win awards, or excel in certain activities. But when this natural observation turns into harsh self-comparison, a child can begin to feel inadequate, lose confidence, and even stop appreciating their own unique strengths. As a parent, your role is to help them shift their focus away from unhealthy comparisons and towards self-growth, resilience, and gratitude. 

Acknowledge Their Feelings Without Dismissing Them 

When your child says things like, “I will never be as smart as them” or “I am not good at anything,” it is important to avoid quick reassurances such as “Do not say that.” Instead, validate their emotions first: 

• ‘I can see you feel really disheartened when you compare yourself to others in your class.’ 

• ‘It is hard when we notice other people seeming to do better than us.’ 

This shows that you understand their perspective before you begin to guide them forward. 

Reframe Comparison as Inspiration 

Teach them that observing the success of top students can be used in a positive and constructive way: 

• ‘Instead of thinking you are not good enough, perhaps we can ask: What can I learn from their study habits?’ 

• ‘Every person has different strengths. Your unique strengths may shine in another way entirely.’ 

Encouraging curiosity rather than envy helps your child to see other successful students as role models from whom they can learn, rather than as threats to their own self-worth. 

Highlight Their Unique Strengths 

Gently remind your child of their own wonderful abilities, especially those that are not related to academic performance: 

• ‘You have such a kind and generous heart; people love being around you for that reason.’ 

• ‘You are improving so much in maths because you did not give up when it was difficult.’ 

• ‘Remember how patiently you helped your younger sibling with their homework? That is a beautiful strength too.’ 

When children are taught to see their worth beyond academic marks, they learn to stop reducing their entire identity to a single measure of success. 

Teach Self-Improvement, Not Perfection 

Encourage your child to focus on their own progress rather than on trying to compete with others: 

• Set personal goals, such as aiming to improve by five marks in the next test. 

• Celebrate the small but important steps, like completing homework on time, studying more regularly, or having the courage to ask for help. 

• Use reflective questions that focus on their journey: ‘What did you do better this time compared to last time?’ 

This teaches them that their academic journey is their own and that consistent personal growth is what truly matters. 

Practical Strategies to Foster a Healthy Mindset 

• Limit harsh comparisons at home: Avoid using phrases like, “Why can you not get grades like your cousin?” 

• Model a healthy perspective: Share how you admire the skills of other people without feeling inferior yourself. 

• Encourage balance: Help them to engage in hobbies and skills where they can thrive and build confidence outside of their academic life. 

Over time, your child will learn that they are not defined by how they measure up against top students, but by their own effort, growth, and unique character. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam reminds us that every person has been gifted differently by Allah Almighty. Comparing ourselves harshly with others not only damages our self-esteem but can also blind us to the unique blessings we have already been given. Children need to learn that their true worth lies in striving with sincerity, not in competing with others for worldly status. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahal (16), Verse 71: 

‘And Allah (Almighty) has preferred some a few over others in the provisions (of this world); but those people who have been preferred (in this way), do not share their provisions, even with those people that they are legally bound to (provide for), in case (it was deemed) that they had become equal to them; then is it the benefactions of Allah (Almighty) that they discard?’ 

This verse reminds us that the differences we see in people’s abilities, wealth, or success are all part of the divine wisdom of Allah. We are not all meant to be the same; rather, our purpose is to recognise the blessings He has given us and to use them with gratitude. 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2963, that the holy Prophet Muhammad said: 

‘Look at those who are lower than you and do not look at those who are above you, for it is more suitable that you do not belittle the favours of Allah upon you.’ 

This hadith is a powerful and practical guide for children who are struggling with comparison. It teaches that instead of constantly looking at those who seem to be ahead of us, we should cultivate a habit of looking at what we have been given and feeling grateful for it. 

By teaching your child these profound lessons, you help to shift their focus from envy to gratitude, and from unhealthy competition to healthy self-growth. They will begin to see top students not as standards that define their own worth, but as examples from which they can learn and be inspired. 

In time, they will come to understand that Allah Almighty has given every individual unique strengths. True success lies not in being the “top” student in every subject, but in using their personal gifts with sincerity, effort, and humility. This nurtures a mindset where they value themselves, respect others, and walk their own path with gratitude and faith.