What do I say when they ask, “Why do I always lose?” 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child asks, “Why do I always lose?” it is a question that often comes from a place of deep frustration and sadness. To them, it can feel as though the world is unfair, and every loss chips away at their confidence. If not handled with care, this belief can discourage them from trying new things. Your role is to respond with a blend of empathy, truth, and encouragement, helping them to see that losing is not a permanent label but a temporary experience that offers a chance to grow. 

Acknowledge Their Feelings First 

Jumping straight into logical explanations or corrections can make your child feel unheard and dismissed. It is vital to begin with empathy: 

• ‘I know it must feel so frustrating when you lose several times in a row.’ 

• ‘It can feel very unfair, and it is okay to feel upset about that.’ 

By validating their feelings, you help to calm their emotional storm and open their heart to receiving your guidance. 

Gently Reframe Their Question 

Children often speak in absolutes, using words like “always” or “never.” You can gently reframe their perspective: 

• ‘You do not always lose. Remember that game we played last week? Sometimes we win, and sometimes we learn.’ 

• ‘Even when you do not get the win, you are still learning something new every time you play.’ 

This simple shift in language can move their thinking away from a sense of hopelessness and towards a more balanced perspective. 

Highlight Effort Over Outcome 

Focus their attention on the things that are truly within their control, such as their effort and attitude: 

• ‘I noticed how carefully you thought through that move you made.’ 

• ‘You kept trying even when it was hard, and that shows real strength and character.’ 

This teaches them that their worth is found in their effort, persistence, and positive attitude, which are far more valuable than the final result. 

Share Real-Life Examples of Growth 

Tell them inspiring stories of athletes, inventors, or even family members who failed many times before they achieved success: 

• ‘Did you know that even the most famous footballers lose important games, but they keep practising to get better?’ 

• Share a personal story of a time you experienced a loss and explain what you learnt from it. 

These examples help to normalise losing and reframe it as a natural part of growth. 

Offer Practical Strategies for Growth 

• Review together: Ask, ‘What part of the game worked well for you this time? What could you try differently next time?’ 

• Set small goals: Instead of aiming to win, set achievable goals like “staying calm” or “making sure to finish the game.” 

• Celebrate persistence: Always offer praise for not giving up, especially when they have lost again. 

When you answer their heartfelt question with honesty, reassurance, and practical strategies, you help to transform their despair into motivation. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches us that all outcomes are ultimately in the hands of Allah Almighty. What matters most from our side is the sincerity of our effort, our patience in adversity, and our unwavering trust in His plan. Losing repeatedly is not a sign of personal failure but an important reminder to remain resilient, continue learning, and maintain faith in the process. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Taghaabun (64), Verse 11: 

‘And no calamity befalls (upon mankind) except with the permission of Allah (Almighty); and those who believe in Allah (Almighty), He guides his heart (towards the truth); and Allah (Almighty) is Omniscient of everything.’ 

This verse gently reminds us that every outcome, including losing a game, occurs with the wisdom and permission of Allah Almighty. Teaching this concept to children helps them see that a loss is not a punishment, but a part of a much larger divine plan for their growth and development. 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2999, that the holy Prophet Muhammad said: 

‘Wondrous is the affair of the believer, for there is good for him in every matter. And this is not the case with anyone except the believer. If he is happy, then he thanks Allah and there is good for him. If he is harmed, then he shows patience and there is good for him.’ 

This profound hadith teaches that both success and loss are in fact opportunities for goodness. Winning is a chance to show gratitude, and losing is a chance to show patience. Both of these responses keep our hearts connected to Allah Almighty. 

When your child asks, “Why do I always lose?” you can gently guide them to understand that each loss is not proof of weakness, but an opportunity to learn, to try again with a better strategy, and to demonstrate beautiful patience. This perspective not only helps them cope with games but also prepares them for the greater challenges of life. 

In time, they will come to realise that what truly matters is not always being first, but always growing in character, always trusting in the wisdom of Allah Almighty, and always striving with dignity.