How can I help my child balance kindness to others with kindness to self? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children who are diligently taught kindness may sometimes tend to give too much always agreeing, sharing, or helping even when they feel deeply tired, upset, or overlooked. Conversely, others may focus entirely on themselves and neglect the feelings of those around them. Teaching balance helps children practise kindness as a two-way street: caring thoughtfully for others while simultaneously respecting their own genuine needs. 

Explaining That Balance Matters 

Instill the foundational idea that self-care is a prerequisite for sustained goodness toward others. 

Tell your child: “Kindness means treating other people well, but it also means diligently looking after yourself. If you forget your own needs, you will eventually find it hard to stay truly kind to others.” 

This immediately helps them to see self-care not as selfishness, but as a necessary component of sustainable kindness. 

Teaching “Yes” and “No” With Respect 

Coach them to use their words to set boundaries in both directions: when to engage and when to withdraw gracefully. 

Coach them in both directions: 

• Saying yes when they have the necessary energy to help or share. 

• Saying no kindly when they clearly need rest or personal space. 

For example: “I can play later, but I need a break now.” This verbalisation models both generosity and self-respect. 

Using Real-Life Scenarios 

Discuss specific, tangible examples where a lack of balance led to emotional discomfort. 

Discuss moments: 

• If they gave away a cherished toy but felt sad and resentful afterwards. 

• If they consistently shared their entire snack and were left hungry themselves. 

Guide them to the understanding that sustainable kindness should never leave them feeling hurt or excessively depleted. 

Practising Self-Check Questions 

Encourage a simple, internal dialogue that promotes emotional awareness before they commit to an action. 

Encourage your child to pause and ask themselves these self-check questions: 

• “Do I have the energy to do this kindly right now?” 

• “Can I share this without feeling upset or regretful afterwards?” 

This practice actively builds emotional awareness and promotes healthy boundaries. 

Praise Balanced Choices 

When they demonstrate thoughtfulness for both self and others, acknowledge the wisdom of their choice. 

When they show kindness without overextending themselves, affirm it: “I liked how you helped your friend and then responsibly told me you needed a rest. That showed true wisdom.” 

By teaching balance, you are raising a child whose practice of kindness is sustainable and sincere. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam actively encourages kindness to others but equally teaches that the self has rights. A responsible believer should serve their family and community while simultaneously honouring their own physical and emotional well-being. 

Limits and Divine Mercy 

The Quran provides a fundamental principle that Allah Almighty does not place a burden on any soul greater than it can bear, which translates to a human need to respect their own limits. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verse 286: 

‘Allah (Almighty) does not place any burden on any human being except that which is within his capacity…’ 

This verse profoundly reminds us that limits are an unavoidable part of human life, and it is wise to respect them. 

The Principle of Due Rights 

The Hadith establishes a comprehensive framework for fulfilling rights, clearly stating that the soul and body have rights that must be honoured alongside the rights of Allah Almighty and others. 

It is recorded in Sunan Nisai, Hadith 2391, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Your Lord has a right over you, your soul has a right over you, and your family has a right over you. So give each their due right.’ 

This Hadith directly teaches balance fulfilling the rights of Allah Almighty, the rights of others, and the rights of the self. 

When children learn to balance kindness to others with kindness to themselves, they grow into thoughtful believers who practise mercy, fairness, and sustainability in their care. This necessary balance protects them from burnout and ensures their kindness remains genuine and lasting.