How do I know if resistance is a phase or a deeper problem? 

Parenting Perspective 

It is quite natural for children to resist apologising from time to time. Some of this resistance is developmental; toddlers may be too young to fully grasp the concept, while older children might struggle with feelings of pride or embarrassment. The challenge for a parent is to distinguish between these normal phases and a pattern of behaviour that might suggest a deeper emotional concern. 

Identifying Normal Developmental Stages 

Younger children often say ‘no’ as a way of asserting their independence, and refusing to apologise can be part of this stage. This behaviour usually improves with patient guidance and consistent role-modelling. Even older children may resist apologising temporarily when they feel ashamed, frustrated, or misunderstood. These phases typically pass with consistent teaching and a patient example. 

Recognising Signs of a Deeper Issue 

If your child consistently refuses to apologise, frequently mocks the act of apology, or shows very little empathy for how others feel, this may indicate a need for deeper support. Other signs, such as frequent conflicts, difficulty maintaining friendships, or extreme defensiveness, could point towards underlying struggles with emotional regulation or self-esteem. 

Gauging Empathy Through Reflection 

A simple way to assess your child’s sincerity is to ask them reflective questions, such as, ‘How do you think your brother felt when that happened?’ If your child is able to show some degree of empathy, even without uttering the words ‘I am sorry’, it is likely that their resistance is just a phase. However, if they seem to dismiss or even enjoy the hurt feelings of others, more intentional guidance may be required. 

The Importance of a Consistent Approach 

Regardless of whether the resistance is a phase or a deeper issue, a consistent approach is essential. It is important to model sincere apologies, connect behaviour to feelings, and encourage repair through actions as well as words. Over time, these practices will help your child either outgrow their resistance or build the emotional skills they may be lacking. 

By remaining observant and gentle in your approach, you can distinguish between ordinary childhood resistance and a signal that your child needs more focused help in developing empathy and responsibility. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, the practices of self-reflection and accountability are the cornerstones of spiritual growth. A believer may make mistakes repeatedly, but what truly matters is whether they are willing to soften their heart and try to reform. This same principle can be applied when guiding children; the difference between a passing phase and a deeper concern often lies in the heart’s openness to change. 

Quranic Guidance on a Soft Heart 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Zumar (39), Verse 23: 

‘…Then their skins and their hearts are synchronised with the remembrance of Allah (Almighty)…’ 

This verse reminds us that an openness of the heart, whether in adults or in children, is a sign of spiritual growth and sincerity. 

Prophetic Wisdom on Mercy 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2319, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He who does not show mercy to the people, Allah will not show mercy to him.’ 

This hadith teaches us that the capacity for empathy and mercy is an essential sign of a healthy and sound heart. 

By observing whether your child shows signs of empathy and a willingness to repair harm, you can better discern between a temporary phase and something more significant. Connecting them to the Islamic values of mercy, humility, and reflection helps to nurture their heart, so that any resistance to apologising becomes a temporary step in their emotional and spiritual development, not a lasting problem.