Parenting Perspective 

When your child refuses to apologise, it can create an awkward and uncomfortable situation, especially if another child, a teacher, or a family member is involved. As a parent, it is natural to feel pressured to step in and apologise on their behalf. While this can smooth over the situation in the short term, it is important to remember that the ultimate goal is to teach your child the values of empathy, responsibility, and personal accountability. 

Balancing Courtesy with Long-Term Learning 

In public or social settings, it may sometimes be necessary for you to offer a brief apology on your child’s behalf in order to maintain courtesy and de-escalate tension. For example, you might say to the other person, “I am so sorry about that; we are still learning how to handle our big feelings.” This protects the relationship in the moment. However, this should never replace your child’s own responsibility to apologise. Later, when you are in private, it is important to make it clear to your child: “I said sorry for you earlier to be polite, but that was my part. Next time, the apology needs to come from you.” This approach separates short-term social grace from long-term character education. 

Teaching Ownership Over Avoidance 

If a parent always apologises for their child, the child may learn to avoid taking responsibility, relying on an adult to fix their mistakes for them. To prevent this, you must guide your child gently but firmly towards ownership. You could say, “When you have hurt someone, it is your job to make it right. That is a responsibility I cannot carry for you.” You can then encourage them to practise small steps towards making amends, such as writing a short note, offering to help, or simply saying, “I did not mean to upset you.” By creating the space for them to take ownership, you help them to see an apology as an act of strength, not as a punishment. 

By combining social courtesy in public with a firm lesson on accountability in private, you can show your child that while a parent may step in to preserve dignity, they cannot carry another person’s responsibility on their behalf. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, accountability for one’s actions is deeply personal. Parents have a sacred duty to guide and teach their children, but each individual must ultimately learn to take responsibility for their own words and deeds. An apology that is made by someone else can never replace the sincerity that comes from one’s own heart. 

The Principle of Personal Responsibility 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al An’aam (6), Verses 164: 

‘…And no one shall become the bearer of any responsibility, in (carrying) the burden of others…’ 

This verse reminds us that each person is accountable for their own deeds, and that this weighty responsibility cannot be shifted onto anyone else, not even a loving parent. 

The Importance of Acknowledging Harm 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 235, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘It is enough evil for a man to hold his Muslim brother in contempt.’ 

This teaches us that causing harm to another person through our words or actions, even in ways that seem small to us, requires acknowledgement and correction from the one who caused it. 

By occasionally apologising on behalf of your child for the sake of courtesy, while still consistently teaching them to take responsibility for their own actions, you are striking the correct balance between social grace and moral development. Over time, your child learns from your example that sincerity, humility, and personal ownership are the true markers of a strong character and a healthy faith.