What to Do When Both Siblings Feel They Are the Victim 

Parenting Perspective 

It is very common in sibling conflicts for both children to feel wronged, with each one firmly convinced that they are the ‘real’ victim. If this dynamic is handled poorly, it can lead to lingering resentment and repeated fights. The key is to move the focus away from assigning blame and towards cultivating empathy, fairness, and reconciliation. 

Acknowledge Both Perspectives 

Your first step should be to validate each child’s feelings without taking a side. You could say, “I can see that you both feel very hurt right now.” This simple act of acknowledgement prevents either child from feeling dismissed and helps to lower their defensiveness, making them more open to finding a solution. 

Shift the Focus from Blame to Feelings 

Encourage your children to express what they felt during the conflict, rather than arguing over who was right or wrong. You can guide them by saying, “Can you tell your sister how you felt when that happened?” Then, give the other child a chance to respond with their feelings. This process builds mutual understanding rather than creating a competition over who is at fault. 

Encourage Mutual Responsibility 

Gently explain that in most disagreements, both people can usually do something differently to improve the situation. You might say, “You both have a part to play in fixing this. Let us each think of one thing we can do better next time.” This helps them to develop a sense of shared responsibility instead of fighting to be seen as the sole victim. 

Model Reconciliation Over ‘Winning’ 

Show your children through your own apologies and conflict resolution that the goal is always to restore peace, not to prove who was right. When children see this modelled consistently, they become more willing to step away from the need to assign blame and move towards the desire for healing and reconnection. 

By focusing on feelings, fairness, and shared responsibility, you can help your children see that achieving a peaceful resolution is far more valuable than being declared the victim. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches us that the act of reconciliation is far more important and virtuous than winning a dispute. When both sides of a conflict feel hurt, the primary goal is not to assign blame but to restore the bonds of love and unity between them. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verses 10: 

‘Indeed, the believers are brothers (to each other); so, make peace with your brothers; and seek piety from Allah (Almighty) so that you may receive His Mercy…’ 

This verse reminds us that the act of reconciliation is an expression of our faith (iman), and that divine mercy comes when we actively work to heal our relationships rather than holding on to grudges. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ also taught that taking the first step towards peace is a sign of a better character. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6077, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘It is not permissible for a man to desert his brother for more than three nights, the two of them turning away from each other when they meet. The better of the two is the one who is the first to greet with the salaam.’ 

This teaches us that being the first to repair a relationship is more honourable than clinging to the role of the one who was wronged. By guiding your children to see that both of them can feel hurt but that both also have the power to heal the relationship, you are aligning them with the core Islamic value of reconciliation. They learn from your example that peace and unity are far greater goals than “winning” an argument, a profound lesson that will serve them well within their family and beyond.