What do I say when one child keeps bringing up ‘who is better’ at everything? 

Parenting Perspective 

Shift the Focus to Effort and Uniqueness 

When a child constantly asks ‘who is better?’ it often signals a need for validation. Rather than answering the question directly, which fuels rivalry, a parent should shift the focus to effort and uniqueness. For example, if asked, ‘Who is the better artist?’ you could reply, ‘I love the effort you both put into your drawings, and each one is beautiful in its own special way.’ This redirects the conversation from competition to an appreciation of individual style. 

Focus on Individual Strengths 

Make a conscious effort to highlight what makes each child unique, without ever ranking them. One child might be wonderfully creative with colours, while the other is incredibly patient with small details. By celebrating these different strengths separately, you teach them that personal worth is not a competition but a reflection of their own God-given gifts. 

Teach the Value of Effort Over Comparison 

When your child asks ‘who is better?’ again, gently remind them that a better question is, ‘Am I trying my best?’ Consistently using phrases like, ‘I am so proud of the effort you both made,’ helps to reinforce this mindset. Over time, this teaches children to measure themselves by their own personal growth, not by comparing themselves to others. 

Spiritual Insight 

Blessings are Distributed by Divine Wisdom 

The Quran teaches that Allah distributes His provisions and blessings according to His perfect wisdom. Some may be favoured over others in certain worldly aspects, and this should be a cause for gratitude and contentment, not jealousy. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahal (16), Verse 71: 

‘And Allah (Almighty) has preferred some a few over others in the provisions (of this world); but those people who have been preferred (in this way)…’ 

Nurture Brotherhood, Not Envy 

The prophetic tradition strongly warns believers against envying one another, which is the root of unhealthy comparison. Instead of fostering rivalry, we are commanded to be servants of Allah as united brothers and sisters. 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, 2563, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Do not envy one another but be servants of Allah as brothers.’ 

Gratitude for Individual Blessings 

By reminding your children that Allah values sincere effort far more than direct comparison, you can guide them away from the ‘who is better?’ mindset and towards a state of gratitude for their own unique blessings. This helps them to build confidence in their individuality and to grow in love and support for each other.