Parenting Perspective 

Grandparents often express their deep love for their grandchildren through leniency and generosity. However, when they openly overrule a parent’s disciplinary decision in front of the children, it can significantly weaken parental authority and cause confusion. The goal is to preserve the deep respect that is due to elders while making it clear that the parents’ decisions are final. 

Set the Boundary in a Private, Respectful Conversation 

It is best to address this issue during a private and calm conversation with the grandparents. You could say, ‘We are so grateful for the love you show the children, but when our discipline decisions are changed in front of them, it makes it very hard for them to learn consistency. We would really appreciate it if you could support our rules, even if you disagree with them’. Framing this as a request for their help and support, rather than as a confrontation, helps to keep the relationship positive. 

Maintain a United Front in the Moment 

If a grandparent attempts to soften or reverse a consequence in the moment, it is important to step in calmly and respectfully. You might say, ‘Thank you for your kindness, but Mum and Dad have already made a decision on this. Let us stick with it for now’. This should be said gently, without raising your voice. It shows your children that while you respect their grandparent, your role as parents remains primary. 

Involve Grandparents in a Positive Role 

You can channel their loving nature by offering them a positive role in the process. For example, you could let them be the one to give praise for good behaviour or to share a special treat once a period of discipline has passed. This allows them to express their love and affection in a way that supports the family structure, rather than undermining it. 

By drawing these important boundaries with respect and clarity, you can protect your parental authority while maintaining the harmony of the wider family. Your children will see that the love from their grandparents and the discipline from their parents can coexist beautifully, without conflict. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam commands us to show both honour and respect to our parents and elders, while also entrusting us with the primary responsibility for raising our own children. The correct balance is found in respecting our elders without neglecting the duty of leadership within our own households. 

Balancing Obedience with Kindness 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Luqman (31), Verse 15: 

‘ And if they (the parents) argue with you on (the matter of)  ascribing to anything (which amounts to  icon worshipping/paganism), other than (worshipping) Me (Allah Almighty); then (you can say to them) you do not have any knowledge (of the truth); then do not obey either of them, but keep companionship with them in this life with positivity…’ 

This verse, while addressing the gravest matter of shirk, establishes a universal principle: there are times when we cannot obey our parents or elders, but even in disagreement, our response must always be one of kindness and good companionship. 

Prioritising Duty to the Creator 

It is recorded in Musnad Ahmad, Hadith 1065, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘There is no obedience to creation in disobedience to the Creator.’ 

This fundamental principle teaches us that our ultimate duty is to Allah Almighty. Fulfilling the trust (amanah) of raising our children with consistent, just discipline is a duty from the Creator. While honouring grandparents is essential, it cannot come at the cost of neglecting this primary responsibility. 

By setting respectful boundaries with grandparents, you fulfil both duties: honouring your elders and protecting your children’s consistent upbringing. Your children learn that family love can be full of mercy without sacrificing the discipline and order that is necessary for their growth.