Parenting Perspective 

When an elder questions your parenting choices, it can sometimes feel as though your authority is being undermined or that your love for your child is being doubted. These moments can easily stir up feelings of frustration or defensiveness, but the act of staying calm can help to protect your own dignity, can model respect for your child, and can prevent any unnecessary conflict. In this context, calmness does not mean remaining silent; it means choosing to respond with a sense of steadiness and respect. 

Pause Before You Respond 

Before you give your answer, it is a good practice to take a deep breath. A short, intentional pause can help you to respond in a thoughtful way, rather than reacting emotionally. 

Assume Good Intentions 

Try to remind yourself that most elders who offer their criticism are doing so out of a sense of concern, not out of malice. Choosing to reframe their words as an expression of care can help to soften your own reaction. 

Use Respectful Deflections 

You can say, ‘That is an interesting suggestion, thank you. We will certainly think about it.’ These kinds of responses allow you to honour their input, without surrendering your own boundaries. 

Maintain Unity in Front of Your Child 

It is important not to get into an argument in front of your child. Instead, you can try to preserve a sense of calmness in the moment and then discuss any concerns you may have in private with your spouse at a later time. 

Reaffirm Your Own Confidence 

You can remind yourself, ‘Parenting our child is our own sacred trust (amanah), and Allah has chosen us for this particular role.’ This thought can help to strengthen your inner calm and can reduce the sting of any criticism you may receive. 

When you are able to respond with composure, you can protect your child from feeling any tension, can continue to honour your elders respectfully, and can keep the parental authority in your own hands. 

Spiritual Insight 

Patience, Respect, and Calmness 

Islam encourages the qualities of patience, respect for our elders, and calmness in the face of criticism. Responding to others gently does not weaken your authority; on the contrary, it is a reflection of true strength and faith. 

The Power of Patience and Gentleness 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verses 159: 

‘So, it is by the mercy from Allah (Almighty) that you (O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) are lenient with them; and if you had been harsh (in your speech) or restrained (in your heart), they would have dispersed from around you…’ 

This verse reminds us that a gentle approach is what keeps people close to us, while a harsh approach will only drive them away. 

True Strength Is Found in Gentleness 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 4809, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever is deprived of gentleness is deprived of all good.’ 

This hadith teaches us that the qualities of calmness and gentleness are not weaknesses, but are in fact essential for attracting goodness and blessing into our lives, especially when we are dealing with our elders. By choosing to stay calm when an elder questions your parenting, you are embodying the Islamic principles of patience and mercy. Your child will then learn from your example that respect and strength can go hand in hand, and that a sense of calmness is a mark of a true character that is rooted in faith.