Parenting Perspective 

Grandparents often play a precious and beloved role in a child’s life, but at times they may give instructions that clash with the established rules you and your spouse have agreed upon. This can leave your child feeling confused, can serve to undermine your authority as a parent, and can create unnecessary tension within the family. The goal in these situations is not to silence the grandparents, but to protect your child’s sense of stability while at the same time maintaining a deep respect for your elders. 

Clarify Your Roles with Respect 

It is a good idea to speak privately with the grandparents, acknowledging their wisdom and experience while at the same time gently explaining your position. You could say, ‘We really want to keep things as consistent as possible for the children, so we would appreciate it if the main instructions could come from us.’ Using a respectful and appreciative tone can help to prevent them from becoming defensive. 

Present a United Front with Your Spouse 

If one set of grandparents happens to undermine one of your family rules, it is important that both you and your spouse respond in a consistent way. Your children need to see that their parents’ guidance remains steady and united. 

Redirect Conflicting Moments Calmly 

When a grandparent gives a different instruction in front of your child, you can step in gently by saying, ‘Thank you so much, Dad. For now, we are going to handle it this way.’ This approach avoids shaming an elder in public, but keeps the lines of authority clear for your child. 

Honour Their Positive Contributions 

You can involve the grandparents in your child’s life in a positive and honouring way, perhaps by letting them teach cultural stories, share family recipes, or pass on special skills. When your relatives feel that their contribution is being valued, they are often more willing to respect the boundaries you have set. 

By balancing a sincere respect for the grandparents with a clear consistency in your own rules, you can protect your child’s stability without creating unnecessary family conflict. 

Spiritual Insight 

Balancing Kindness with Responsibility 

Islam commands us to show kindness and deference to our parents and elders, but it also entrusts us with the sacred amanah (trust) of guiding our own children. The act of honouring your grandparents, while at the same time keeping your own discipline clear and consistent, is a part of upholding justice. 

The Command to Show Kindness to Parents 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verses 23: 

‘And your Sustainer has decreed that you do not worship anyone except Him Alone; And (treat) parents favourably; whether one of them or both of them reach old age in your lifetime; then do not say to either of them ‘Uff’ (an expression of disrespectful frustration) and do not admonish them; and talk to them with kind words.’ 

This verse reminds us that we must always use noble and respectful speech with our elders, even in moments when we may disagree with them. 

The Duty to Respect Elders 

It is recorded in Al Adab Al Mufrad, Hadith 357, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Part of respect for Allah is to show respect to an old Muslim, to the one who memorises the Qur’an without exaggerating about it or neglecting it, and to respect a just ruler.’ 

This hadith teaches us that honouring our elders is a religious duty. This duty, however, must be balanced with the justice and responsibility we hold within our own family life. By practising a respectful firmness with your grandparents, you can preserve the harmony of your extended family while at the same time fulfilling your primary duty as a parent. Your child can then grow up learning both a deep reverence for their elders and a clear understanding of who holds the final responsibility in their upbringing.