How can I defuse jealousy after birthdays or public awards? 

Parenting Perspective 

Jealousy between siblings often peaks after birthdays or moments of public recognition, when one child is in the spotlight and the other feels invisible. If it is left unchecked, this jealousy can sour the celebration and cause damage to the sibling bond. The key is to acknowledge the feelings, give space for their expression, and then gently redirect that energy towards gratitude and a sense of shared joy. 

Acknowledge Their Feelings Without Shame 

If one child is sulking or lashing out, it is best to avoid saying, ‘Do not be jealous.’ Instead, you could try acknowledging their feeling by saying, ‘I can see that it feels hard when your sister is getting lots of attention right now. It is normal to feel that way sometimes.’ Naming the emotion without blame makes it safer for your child to process and move through it. 

Involve the Sibling in a Positive Role 

You can invite the other sibling to participate in the celebration. This could involve asking them to hand over the cake, take photos, or even give a small toast. Having an active and valued role helps to transform their feeling of jealousy into one of contribution, reinforcing the idea that they are a part of the celebration, not excluded from it. 

Offer a Small, Balancing Gesture 

While the birthday child is receiving their presents, you can offer their sibling a small token of affection. This might be a special card, their own cupcake with a candle, or the promise of a few minutes of ‘special time’ with you later that week. These small gestures show that while the spotlight may shift, your love and attention remain balanced. 

Frame Success as a Family Victory 

After one child receives a public award, you can highlight their sibling’s role in that success by saying, ‘Your encouragement and support really helped him to work hard for that.’ This helps to frame their achievement as a shared family victory, rather than an individual accomplishment that fuels rivalry. 

By validating their feelings, involving the other siblings, and offering balancing rituals, parents can turn a moment of jealousy into a valuable opportunity for empathy, maturity, and stronger family bonds. 

Spiritual Insight 

In the Islamic tradition, envy and jealousy are seen as destructive emotions that can erode love and brotherhood, whereas gratitude is seen as a virtue that strengthens both our character and our relationships. 

Gratitude as an Antidote to Envy 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nisa (4), Verse 32: 

‘And do not begrudge what benefactions have been given by Allah (Almighty), some of you instead of others; for the men is a share of what they have earnt (through their hard work), and for the women, is a share of what they have earnt (through their hard work); and (if you wish for more) ask Allah (Almighty) from His benefactions (to give you more)…’ 

This verse reminds us that envy is a misplaced emotion. Our focus should instead be on feeling gratitude for our own unique portion and on asking Allah Almighty for more of His endless bounty. 

The Prophetic Warning Against Jealousy 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 235, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Do not envy one another, do not inflate prices against one another, do not hate one another, do not turn away from one another, and do not undercut one another, but be, O servants of Allah, brothers.’ 

This hadith teaches us that jealousy is an emotion that erodes the bonds of brotherhood and love, while fairness and mutual goodwill are what strengthen them. 

By addressing jealousy with understanding and linking it to the Islamic values of gratitude and fairness, parents can model a profound spiritual wisdom. Their children learn from this that joy multiplies when it is shared, and that the blessings of Allah Almighty are wide enough to encompass everyone.