How can parents avoid projecting their personal digital struggles onto their children? 

Parenting Perspective 

Parents who struggle with their own digital habits, whether it is an overuse of social media or a difficulty setting personal boundaries, may unconsciously project their own guilt and frustrations onto their children. This can often manifest as overly strict rules or harsh reactions that are rooted in the parent’s anxiety, not the child’s behaviour. The key is to separate our own struggles from our parenting, and to guide our children from a place of wisdom, not personal guilt. 

Recognise the Tendency to Project 

The first and most important step is for you as a parent to honestly reflect on your own relationship with technology. Try to separate your own feelings of guilt or your personal frustrations from the actual needs of your child. This self-awareness allows you to parent from a place of balanced guidance, not anxiety. 

Focus on Your Child’s Reality, Not Your Own 

Every child’s digital experience is unique to them. It is important to avoid making assumptions based on your own past mistakes. Instead of saying, ‘I know what happens because it has happened to me,’ it is better to ask your child open questions like, ‘What are you finding difficult about being online?’ This shifts the conversation from assumption to active listening. 

Model Growth Instead of Guilt 

Parents can share their own challenges in a constructive and positive way. You could say: ‘I am learning to use my phone less at night because I have noticed that it affects my sleep.’ By presenting your own struggles as lessons in growth rather than as failures, you can show your children that developing digital discipline is an ongoing process for everyone. 

Create a Shared Journey 

Instead of projecting your anxieties onto your child, you can frame the family’s digital discipline as a shared journey of improvement. Setting goals together, such as having screen-free hours or tech-free meals, allows your children to feel that they are supported team members, rather than the subjects of your judgment. This balances parental authority with a sense of partnership. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that accountability begins with the self. By avoiding the projection of our own faults and instead focusing on listening, modelling good behaviour, and growing together, parents can demonstrate the integrity that is at the heart of their guidance. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hashar (59), Verses 18: 

‘ All those of you who are believers, seek piety from Allah (Almighty); and let every person anticipate (the consequences of) what they have sent forth (in the Hereafter) for the next day; and seek piety from Allah (Almighty); as indeed, Allah (Almighty) is fully Cognisant with all your actions.‘ 

This verse is a powerful reminder that our first duty is to look inward at our own actions and intentions before we turn our focus to correcting others. 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 198, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘A man will be brought on the Day of Resurrection and thrown into the Fire The people of the Fire will say, “O so-and-so! Did you not enjoin righteousness and forbid evil?” He will say, “Yes, I used to enjoin righteousness, but I did not practise it myself; and I used to forbid evil, but I did not refrain from it myself.”‘ 

This is a sobering reminder that guiding others without first striving for personal correction is a form of hypocrisy that undermines the sincerity and effectiveness of that guidance. 

This approach strengthens the bonds of trust within a family, helping children to see that the rules around digital responsibility are not a burden imposed by a parent’s guilt, but are a balanced and fair way of living that benefits everyone in the sight of Allah.