What is the best way to set limits for a teenager who says, “You do not trust me” whenever rules are mentioned? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a teenager uses the phrase, ‘You do not trust me’, it is often a tactic to shift the focus from their behaviour to your intentions. The most effective response is to calmly reframe the conversation, moving it from a debate about trust to a discussion about shared family values and responsibilities. 

Frame Rules Around Values, Not Mistrust 

Start by acknowledging their desire for independence, but then connect the rules to your family’s core principles. You can say, ‘I do trust you, and I also trust that we both want to protect what is important in our home: our prayer times, our sleep, and our family connection’. This turns the discussion away from policing their actions and towards upholding your shared values. 

Involve Them in Setting the Limits 

Empower your teen by inviting them into the rule-making process. Ask for their input with questions like, ‘What do you think is a reasonable cut-off time for devices on a school night?’ When they feel their opinion is heard and respected, they are far less likely to see the final boundary as a sign of mistrust and more as a fair, collaborative agreement. 

Be Clear and Consistent with Consequences 

Establish consequences calmly and in advance, not in the heat of an argument. For example, ‘The rule is that phones are charged in the living room overnight. If the rule is not followed, the phone will have to stay there the next day too’. This approach makes the consequence a predictable outcome of an action, not an emotional punishment, which helps preserve your teen’s dignity and your authority. 

Ultimately, teenagers feel most secure when they have consistent, respectful boundaries that protect their wellbeing, even if they test them. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that parenting is a sacred responsibility that requires providing loving yet firm guidance, which is the very essence of true trust. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Luqman (31), Verses 13–14: 

‘ And when (Prophet) Luqman (AS) said to his son, whilst he was offering him enlightened direction: “O my son, do not ascribe to anything (which amounts to icon worshipping/paganism), instead of (worshipping) Allah (Almighty…”.’ 

This example of Luqman the Wise advising his beloved son shows that a core part of righteous parenting is to offer guidance and set clear boundaries out of love and wisdom. Setting limits is not a failure of trust; it is a fulfilment of the duty to advise. 

The role of a parent is fundamentally one of guardianship. 

It is recorded in Al Adab Al Mufrad, 212, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Every one of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock.‘ 

This hadith reminds parents that their primary role is to be a guardian of their child’s wellbeing. A good shepherd guides and protects their flock, even when the flock resists. Setting necessary limits is an expression of this profound responsibility. 

By setting limits in a calm and collaborative way, parents demonstrate the truest form of trust: trust in their teen’s potential to grow into a spiritually responsible adult, while still protecting them with structure and love.