How to Explain Fairness When You Discipline Kids Differently 

Parenting Perspective 

Fairness Means Adjusting Expectations 

It is a very common concern, because children naturally compare treatment and measure fairness in very direct ways. To them, ‘fair’ often means ‘the same.’ As a parent, you know that fairness sometimes means adjusting expectations according to age, maturity, and understanding. What is important is how you explain this in a way that honours both children. 

Acknowledge the Older Child’s Feelings 

Start by acknowledging the older child’s feelings. You might say, ‘I understand why it feels unfair to you.’ This validation shows that you are not dismissing their emotions. Then, explain that younger siblings are still learning and may not fully understand rules in the same way. Use simple comparisons they can relate to, such as how schoolteachers do not expect the same work from different year groups. This makes the idea of age-appropriate expectations more concrete. 

Reassure Your Older Child of Their Special Role 

It also helps to reassure your older child of their special role. Highlight the trust you place in them to be a role model, and make sure to notice and praise their responsible behaviour. At the same time, explain to the younger child that as they grow, the same rules and expectations will apply to them too. In this way, both see that discipline is not about preference, but about what each child is ready for. 

Balance Explanations With Consistent Love 

By balancing clear explanations with consistent love and recognition, you teach your children that fairness is not always identical treatment, but rather responding to each person with what is right for them at that stage. 

Spiritual Insight 

Balance Justice and Mercy 

Islam offers deep guidance on the balance between justice and mercy, both of which are qualities of Allah Almighty Himself. 

Justice Is Tied to Goodness 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah An-Nahl (16), Verse 90: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) orders you to promote justice and benevolence; and to be generous towards (positively developing) those that are within your jurisdiction; and to prevent that which is immoral, acts of irrationality, and cruelty; and He (Allah Almighty) offers this enlightened direction so that you continue to realise (the true pathway of Islam).’  

This Verse reminds us that justice is a foundational principle, but it is always tied to goodness and fairness, not harshness. Justice does not mean treating everyone identically but giving each their due in a way that suits their circumstances. 

Mercy Is Integral to Applying Rules 

It is recorded in Mishkat al-Masabih, Book 9, Hadith 150, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Allah is more merciful to His servants than a mother is to her child.’ 

This hadith highlights that mercy is integral to how we apply rules and expectations. Just as Allah Almighty, in His infinite mercy, deals with each servant according to their ability and situation, parents must also blend fairness with compassion, especially across different ages. 

Explaining to your children that justice means ‘what is right for each person’ and mercy means ‘giving gentleness when someone is not yet ready’ helps them see that both qualities can exist together. When modelled consistently, this nurtures respect for rules without breeding resentment.