How to Stay United When Kids Exploit Disagreements 

Parenting Perspective 

Inconsistency Can Fuel Arguments 

It is very common for children to test boundaries by turning to whichever parent they think will give them the answer they want. This is not necessarily manipulation in a malicious sense, but rather children learning how to navigate rules. The difficulty arises when parents are not aligned, as inconsistency can make children feel uncertain and can fuel arguments about fairness. 

Work on Unity Behind the Scenes 

The most important step is for you and your spouse to work on unity behind the scenes. Before addressing the children, agree privately on key household expectations for chores, screen time, and privileges. This way, even if your approaches differ, your decisions present as consistent. When disagreements do come up, try not to resolve them in front of the children. Instead, use a phrase such as, ‘I will talk to Mum/Dad, and we will get back to you.’ This shows your child that both parents are respected decision-makers and prevents them from playing one against the other. 

Frame Joint Decisions as Family Agreements 

At the same time, children must feel that parental unity is not about overpowering them. Instead of presenting joint decisions as ‘two against one,’ frame them as family agreements designed for everyone’s benefit. For example, you might say, ‘Both of us want to make sure chores are shared fairly so that no one feels burdened,’ or ‘We have agreed together that this privilege comes with responsibility.’ This allows children to see that unity between parents is about fairness and care, not control. 

Combine Consistency With Compassion 

By combining consistent rules with compassionate explanations, children learn to respect boundaries while still feeling that their needs and feelings are heard. 

Spiritual Insight 

Mutual Consultation and Balance 

Islam reminds us that the family is built on mutual consultation and balance. Parents are shepherds, entrusted with guiding their children with both firmness and mercy. When unity is maintained, children feel secure and learn to trust the fairness of their upbringing. 

Conduct Affairs Through Consultation (Shura) 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Ash-Shura (42), Verse 38: 

‘And those people that respond to (the commandments of) their Sustainer, and establish prayer, and conduct their affairs between each other through consultation, and spend (generously) from the sustenance We have provided them.’  

This Verse highlights the value of shura, or consultation, which applies not only to leaders but also to parents. By consulting one another and agreeing on decisions, parents model justice and balance for their children. 

Both Parents Are Responsible Shepherds 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Book 33, Hadith 24, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Every one of you is a shepherd and every one of you will be asked about his flock.’  

This hadith reminds both parents that they share responsibility for their children. That responsibility includes presenting a united front so that children grow in an environment of clarity, fairness, and compassion. 

When you and your spouse practise consultation, back one another’s decisions, and frame unity as part of your love for the family, your children will not feel ganged up on. Instead, they will learn that consistency is a sign of care and protection.