How to Find a Middle Ground When Discipline Styles Differ 

Parenting Perspective 

Both Approaches Come From Love 

It is very common for parents to have different instincts when it comes to discipline. One parent may lean towards firmness out of a desire to instill respect, while the other may choose gentleness out of concern for the child’s emotional safety. Both come from a place of love, but when children see conflicting approaches, it can leave them uncertain about expectations and boundaries. 

Align on Shared Principles 

The key is not to erase your differences, but to align on shared principles. Begin by discussing together what values you want your discipline to reflect. For example, do you both want your children to learn respect, honesty, and responsibility? Once you agree on the goals, you can negotiate how firmness and gentleness can complement one another. Firmness ensures clarity and consistency, while gentleness maintains connection and trust. 

Do Not Contradict Each Other in Front of the Children 

In practice, this means agreeing not to contradict each other in front of the children. If your husband has already corrected a child firmly, you can support him in the moment and later suggest adjustments privately. Likewise, if you use a gentler approach, he can back you up and raise concerns with you afterwards. This prevents the children from seeing a divided front and teaches them that their parents respect each other’s judgement. 

Reserve Firmness for Key Issues 

You may also agree to reserve firmness for issues of safety or morality and use gentleness for smaller day-to-day corrections. This balance can help you both feel comfortable while providing your children with consistency. 

Spiritual Insight 

Guide With Justice, Mercy, and Consistency 

Discipline in Islam is not about harshness, nor is it about permissiveness. It is about guiding with justice, mercy, and consistency. Both firmness and gentleness have a place when used with wisdom. 

Gentleness Strengthens Authority 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al-Imran (3), Verse 159: 

‘So, it is by the mercy from Allah (Almighty) that you (O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) are lenient with them; and if you had been harsh (in your speech) or restrained (in your heart), they would have dispersed from around you..’  

This Verse reminds us that even when the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was correcting his companions, his gentleness was a means of keeping their hearts close. Gentleness does not remove authority; it strengthens it by making guidance more acceptable. 

Parents Are Accountable for Discipline 

At the same time, it is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Book 33, Hadith 24, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you will be asked about his flock.’  

This highlights that parents are accountable for maintaining discipline and setting boundaries. Allowing harmful behaviour to persist is also a form of neglect. 

Taken together, these teachings show that a parent’s role is to combine compassion with firmness, ensuring children feel guided but not crushed. By aligning your approaches around this balance, you model unity, justice, and mercy in the home. Over time, your children will learn that discipline is not a tug-of-war between parents, but a consistent expression of love and responsibility.