How to Validate Both Kids Without Fuelling Rivalry 

Parenting Perspective 

Acknowledge Feelings Honestly 

It is very common for siblings to view each other’s position in the family as unfair. The eldest often longs for the extra affection that the youngest receives, while the youngest envies the freedom and trust that comes with being older. If these feelings are not recognised, they can turn into rivalry. The goal is to show each child that their needs are different but equally important. 

Validate the Eldest 

When your eldest expresses jealousy about the youngest being ‘babied,’ you can validate by saying, ‘I know it looks like your brother gets more attention when he needs help, but you also have freedoms he does not yet have.’ This reassures the eldest that their independence is recognised as valuable. 

Validate the Youngest 

When your youngest feels hurt about not being trusted like the older one, you can explain, ‘Trust grows with age and practice. You will also be given more when you are ready, just like your sister once had to wait.’ This frames the difference not as unfairness, but as part of growing up. 

Highlight the Strengths of Each Role 

It also helps to highlight the strengths of each role. Praise the eldest for setting an example and being capable, while also allowing them moments of tenderness so they do not feel overlooked. For the youngest, show appreciation for their unique contributions and affirm that being cared for does not make them less valued. 

Avoid Comparisons 

Above all, avoid comparisons in your language. Instead of saying, ‘Why cannot you be like your brother?’ or ‘Look how your sister manages,’ keep your praise and guidance specific to each child’s own behaviour. Over time, they learn that their worth is not measured against one another, but by how they each grow in their own journey. 

Spiritual Insight 

Differences Are for Appreciation, Not Rivalry 

Islam teaches that every individual has their own rights, and justice requires recognising these differences with fairness. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al-Hujuraat (49), Verse 13: 

‘O mankind, indeed, We (Allah Almighty) have created you all from one man and one woman; and placed you amongst various nations and tribes for your introduction to each other; indeed, the best of you in the judgement of Allah (Almighty) is the one who is most virtuous; indeed, Allah (Almighty) is the Omniscient, the all Cognisant.’  

This Verse shows that diversity is part of Allah’s design. Just as people and nations differ, children within the same family differ in age, role, and responsibility. Nobility is not in position but in righteousness, reminding both eldest and youngest that their value is not diminished by their stage of life. 

Do Not Envy One Another 

It is recorded in Riyadh as-Salihin, Hadith 235, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Do not envy one another, do not inflate prices over one another, do not hate one another, do not turn away from one another, and do not undercut one another. Be, O servants of Allah, brothers.’  

This Hadith guides us to cultivate love and avoid jealousy, even in small matters. By modelling fairness, refusing to compare, and teaching your children that each has their own gifts and responsibilities, you create an atmosphere where they see each other not as rivals, but as companions on the same path of family and faith. 

In this way, you validate their feelings while showing them that both tenderness and trust have their time, and neither takes away from the love you have for them equally.