How to Stop Every Joy From Turning Into a Competition 

Parenting Perspective 

Guide Them Towards Appreciating Each Other’s Joy 

It is very common for children to measure fairness by what they see in the moment. If one child receives something, others may assume love is being divided, not realising that gifts and rewards are not always meant to be shared equally at the same time. The challenge for you is to guide them away from this instinct to compare, and towards appreciating one another’s joy. 

Link Rewards to Effort, Not Preference 

One useful approach is to set a clear principle that rewards are linked to effort, behaviour, or occasion, not simply handed out to keep everyone quiet. For example, you could say, ‘Your brother got this reward because he completed his extra reading. When you work hard, you will also be rewarded.’ This helps children understand that gifts are not random acts of preference, but responses to specific circumstances. 

Separate Rewards From Love 

At the same time, you can strengthen their sense of security by separating rewards from your love. Remind them that your affection and attention are constant, regardless of who is being recognised. Offering each child consistent warmth and time helps prevent them from equating gifts with being more loved. 

Make Celebrating Each Other Part of Your Family Culture 

It is also helpful to make celebrating one another part of family culture. When one child is praised or gifted, you can invite the others to join in with words of encouragement. If this does not come naturally, model it yourself: ‘Let us say MashAllah for your sister’s effort.’ Over time, children learn that another’s success or joy does not diminish their own place in the family. 

Be Patient and Consistent 

Patience is important, because younger children may still struggle with these feelings. By consistently holding the line between love and rewards, and by acknowledging their feelings without giving in to complaints, you slowly teach them that comparison is not the measure of fairness. 

Spiritual Insight 

Justice Is Not Sameness 

Islam emphasises both justice and mercy in our dealings, including with our children. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah An-Nahl (16), Verse 90: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) orders you to promote justice and benevolence; and to be generous towards (positively developing) those that are within your jurisdiction; and to prevent that which is immoral, acts of irrationality, and cruelty; and He (Allah Almighty) offers this enlightened direction so that you continue to realise (the true pathway of Islam).’  

This Verse shows that justice is a command from Allah, but justice is not about sameness; it is about giving each person their due with kindness. Applied to parenting, it means recognising each child’s needs, efforts, and circumstances, while maintaining fairness over time. 

Fear Allah and Be Just With Your Children 

It is recorded in Sahih Al Bukhari, Hadith 2587, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and be just with your children.’  

Justice here includes not favouring one child unfairly, but it also allows for differences when each situation calls for it. By explaining that rewards are tied to effort and ensuring that every child is acknowledged in their own right, you are practising justice in a way that reflects both fairness and compassion. 

With this approach, you show your children that joy is not limited or competitive. Instead, you model a family culture built on justice, celebration of each other, and trust that love is never reduced when it is shared.