How to Stop Your Eldest Feeling Accountable for Siblings 

Parenting Perspective 

The Burden of Unnecessary Guilt 

It is common for eldest children to feel that they must take responsibility for the behaviour of their younger siblings. Sometimes this comes from the way parents or extended family speak to them, such as ‘You are the eldest, you should know better.’ While the intention is to encourage leadership, it can place a burden that turns into unnecessary guilt. 

Accountability Rests With Each Individual 

The first step is to make it clear to your eldest that while you value their guidance and good example, the choices of their younger siblings are not their responsibility. When misbehaviour happens, address it directly to the child involved rather than asking the eldest to answer for it. This sends a strong message that accountability rests with everyone. 

Affirm Their Positive Role, Lift the Guilt 

At the same time, affirm your eldest child’s positive role. Say, ‘I appreciate when you remind your siblings kindly, but I do not expect you to carry their mistakes.’ This reassures them that their leadership is valued while also lifting the weight of guilt. 

Frame Leadership as a Contribution, not a Burden 

It can also help to give them age-appropriate opportunities for leadership that are framed as contributions, not burdens. For example, asking them to read a story to the younger ones or help with a simple task. Afterwards, acknowledge their effort as support, not responsibility. This helps them see that being older comes with trust, not punishment. 

Remind Them You Love Them for Who They Are 

In private conversations, remind your eldest that you love them for who they are, not for how well they manage their siblings. This distinction is important for their self-esteem and teaches them that they are allowed to be children themselves, with their own mistakes and learning curve. 

Spiritual Insight 

No One Shall Bear the Burden of Another 

Islam places responsibility according to individual capacity, not family position. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al-An’aam (6), Verse 164: 

‘…And no one shall become the bearer of any responsibility, in (carrying) the burden of others; then your ultimate return is to your Sustainer, then He (Allah Almighty) will inform you, about all the matters in which you were divergent (from the infinite truth).’  

This Verse reminds us that every soul is accountable for its own deeds. Applied to siblings, it means that the younger child is responsible for their own actions, not the eldest. Parents should be careful not to place a spiritual or moral weight on one child for the behaviour of another. 

Responsibility Is Tied to Role 

It is recorded in Mishkat al-Masabih, Book 18, Hadith 25, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you will be asked about his flock.’  

This Hadith emphasises that responsibility is tied to role. Parents are shepherds over their children, and each individual will be asked about their own duties. Eldest children may serve as role models, but they are not accountable before Allah for the choices of their siblings. 

By affirming this both in words and in practice, you help your eldest child separate guidance from guilt. They can still hold a special role as the older sibling, but without carrying a burden that was never theirs to bear. In this way, they grow into leadership with balance, confidence, and relief.