How to Handle a Middle Child Who Fights for Attention 

Parenting Perspective 

Fighting Is a Bid for Attention 

When a child starts fighting to gain attention, it usually reflects a deeper need: the desire to be seen and valued. In families, the eldest may receive recognition for milestones and responsibility, while the youngest naturally draws affection for their age. The middle child can feel invisible in this dynamic, and negative behaviour then becomes a way to secure attention. 

Affirm Them Outside of Conflict 

The first step is to notice and affirm your middle child outside of conflict. Make a deliberate effort to recognise their contributions and qualities. Praise them for their creativity, kindness, or effort before they act out, so they do not learn that fighting is the quickest route to being noticed. 

Avoid Giving Excessive Focus to Negative Behaviour 

During conflicts, avoid giving excessive focus to negative behaviour. Address it calmly and set boundaries but then redirect to a more positive interaction afterwards. For example, once the situation has settled, engage them in a one-to-one activity or let them choose a small responsibility that allows them to feel important. This reinforces that they are valued for who they are, not only for the disruption they create. 

Highlight Each Child’s Uniqueness 

It also helps to create clear family roles that highlight each child’s uniqueness. If the eldest is recognised for achievement and the youngest for cuteness, then your middle child can be celebrated for qualities such as thoughtfulness, humour, or helpfulness. When every child feels their strengths are acknowledged, the need to compete for attention lessens. 

Reassure Them of Their Value 

Finally, communicate openly. Tell your middle child, ‘You are important to me, not because of what you do or what you win, but because you are you.’ Simple reassurances like this, repeated consistently, help them build a secure sense of belonging. 

Spiritual Insight 

Render Trusts With Justice 

Islam teaches that every child is a trust and deserves justice and attention. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah An-Nisa (4), Verse 58: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) commands you to execute all trusts to their rightful owners; and when you (are asked to) judge between people, that you should judge with justice; indeed, the enlightened direction to you from Allah (Almighty) is (a beneficial) endowment; indeed, Allah (Almighty) is All Hearing and All Seeing.’  

This Verse reminds us that justice is not optional but a divine command. Applied to parenting, it means ensuring that each child receives their rightful share of love, guidance, and attention, even if their needs differ. 

Fear Allah and Be Just With Your Children 

It is recorded in Sahih Al Bukhari, Hadith 2587, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and be just with your children.’  

This Hadith emphasises that fairness is a religious duty. Being just does not mean treating every child identically, but making sure none feels overlooked. Your middle child’s acting out is a signal that they are seeking their rightful share of connection, which Islamically is part of justice to provide. 

By offering recognition before conflict arises, setting boundaries with calm fairness, and affirming their unique place in the family, you not only ease the cycle of fighting but also uphold justice as commanded by Allah. In this way, each of your children grows up with the assurance that they are loved and valued in their own right.