How to Ease the Burden on ‘The Responsible One’ 

Parenting Perspective 

The Weight of Being ‘The Responsible One’ 

It is very common for the eldest child to feel the weight of responsibility. They often hear phrases such as ‘your siblings look up to you’ or ‘you should know better,’ and while these words are meant to encourage maturity, they can also make a child feel as if they are not allowed to relax or make mistakes. Over time, this pressure can create resentment or exhaustion. 

Separate Responsibility From Perfection 

The first step is to separate responsibility from perfection. Reassure your eldest that she does not have to always ‘get it right’ to be valued. Explain that being the oldest does not mean carrying every burden, but rather that her role is recognised and appreciated. You can say, ‘I am grateful for the ways you help, but you are also allowed to rest, make mistakes, and just be yourself.’ This helps her understand that her worth in the family is not only tied to her responsibility. 

Share Responsibility Across Siblings 

Secondly, balance expectations by sharing responsibility across siblings. Younger children can also be given age-appropriate tasks so that your eldest does not feel everything fall on her shoulders. This way, leadership becomes a shared family culture rather than a single child’s load. 

See Her as an Individual 

It is also important to carve out time for your eldest to be seen as an individual, not only as ‘the example.’ Spend one-to-one time with her where the focus is not on her role but on her interests, feelings, and joys. When she feels she is valued for who she is, not just what she does, the pressure eases. 

Frame Her Position Positively 

Finally, you can frame her position positively by showing her the strengths that come with being the eldest, while making it clear that these do not make her less deserving of care and patience from you. 

Spiritual Insight 

Responsibility Should Not Crush a Child 

Islam recognises that people have different roles and capacities, but it does not burden anyone beyond what they can bear. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al-Baqarah (2), Verse 286: 

‘Allah (Almighty) does not place any burden on any human being except that which is within his capacity; bearing the (fruits of the) goodness he has earnt and bearing the (consequences of the) evil he has earnt (in the worldly life)….’  

This Verse reminds us that even within families, responsibility should not become a weight that crushes a child. Your eldest can be guided to see her position as an opportunity for growth, but not as a punishment or endless duty. 

Guidance Should Be Encouraging, Not Burdensome 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Book 78, Hadith 152, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Make things easy and do not make them difficult. Give glad tidings and do not drive people away.’  

This Hadith teaches that guidance should always be encouraging, not burdensome. For an eldest child, this means their role should feel like an honour, not a heavy obligation. As a parent, you can nurture leadership qualities in her while also ensuring she feels supported, appreciated, and free to be a child. 

By lightening her load, sharing responsibilities fairly, and affirming her value beyond being ‘the responsible one,’ you help her maintain the blessing of her role without feeling crushed by it. This balance allows her to embrace leadership as a gift while still feeling safe, loved, and cared for in her own right.