How to Be Fair When Your Kids Have Different Needs 

Parenting Perspective 

Fairness Is Responding to Unique Needs 

It is natural for a parent to feel guilty when children need very different forms of attention. One child may need close guidance, while another thrives with independence. If you measure fairness by sameness, it can feel as though you are failing one of them. Fairness in parenting is not about identical treatment but about responding to each child’s unique needs in a way that makes them feel secure and loved. 

Reframe Your Own Understanding 

The first step is to reframe your own understanding. When you give one child more time with homework or emotional support, you are not neglecting the other; you are fulfilling a responsibility specific to that child. Likewise, when you give the independent child freedom or trust, you are honouring their stage of growth. Both are acts of fairness. 

Communicate Openly 

Communicating this openly helps children understand. You can say, ‘I know I spend time helping your sibling with schoolwork, but I also see how capable you are. Fairness means I give each of you what you need, not always the same thing.’ This explanation reassures them that different treatment is not unequal love. 

Make Space for Individual Connection 

You can also make deliberate space for individual connection. Even short, intentional moments — a quiet conversation before bed, a walk together, or listening to something they care about — show that their individuality is seen. What matters most is consistency. When children know that each has special moments with you, the comparisons soften. 

Love Is Not Measured by Equality 

Over time, your children will learn that family love is not measured by equality of minutes but by the sincerity of presence. And you, as a parent, can let go of guilt by remembering that responding to needs differently is an expression of wisdom, not unfairness. 

Spiritual Insight 

Justice Is Balance and Responsibility 

Islam provides clarity that justice is not about identical treatment but about giving what is due in each situation. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah An-Nahl (16), Verse 90: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) orders you to promote justice and benevolence; and to be generous towards (positively developing) those that are within your jurisdiction; and to prevent that which is immoral, acts of irrationality, and cruelty; and He (Allah Almighty) offers this enlightened direction so that you continue to realise (the true pathway of Islam).’  

This Verse shows that justice involves balance and responsibility, not blind equality. A parent fulfils justice by giving each child what is right for them, whether that is time, guidance, or trust. 

Fear Allah and Be Just With Your Children 

It is recorded in Sahih Al Bukhari, Hadith 2587, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and be just with your children.’ 

This Hadith reminds us that fairness in parenting is an act of worship, tied to accountability before Allah. Being just means avoiding favouritism, but it also means recognising that children are not the same and should not be treated as if they were. Meeting their individual needs is itself an expression of justice. 

By grounding yourself in this understanding, you can release guilt and reassure your children that fairness in your home is about love guided by justice. Each child receives what brings them closer to stability and goodness, and that is what Allah values most.