How to Teach Independence While Keeping Your Bond Secure 

Parenting Perspective 

Independence Does Not Mean Distance 

It is very natural for children to misinterpret a parent’s encouragement towards independence as rejection. For a child, needing you and being close to you is a form of safety. When you step back, they may feel it means you are pulling away emotionally. Your task is to help them see that independence does not mean distance but rather trust and confidence in their ability. 

Practise ‘Connected Independence’ 

One way to achieve this balance is by using what is known as ‘connected independence.’ This means giving your child responsibilities or space to try things alone, while staying emotionally present. For example, you could say, ‘I know you can put your shoes on by yourself, and I will be right here watching you.’ This assures them that your bond is intact, even when they act independently. 

Frame Independence as an Honour 

It also helps to frame independence as an honour rather than a separation. Instead of saying, ‘You are big now, so do it yourself,’ which may feel like rejection, try: ‘I trust you to do this because you are learning so well.’ That way, the independence feels like recognition of their growth, not abandonment. 

Reconnect Warmly Afterwards 

After they complete the task, reconnect warmly. A hug, praise, or shared smile helps reinforce that independence and connection go together. Over time, this will build a secure foundation where your child understands that your love does not decrease when they step out on their own. 

Spiritual Insight 

Growth Comes With Stages of Closeness and Separation 

Islam teaches us to nurture our children with balance: guiding them to maturity while holding them in love. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Luqman (31), Verses 14: 

‘And We (Allah Almighty) have decreed upon mankind in regard to his parents; his mother carried him (in pregnancy exposing her to) weakness upon weakness; and his dependent nourishment (from her) for two years; (thus O mankind) be grateful to Me (Allah Almighty) and to your parents, and to Me is (your ultimate) destination.’ 

These Verses highlight both dependence in early years and the gradual process of letting go, reminding parents that growth comes with stages of closeness and separation, yet love remains constant. 

Teaching Independence Is an Act of Responsibility 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Book 33, Hadith 24, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you will be asked about his flock.’ 

This Hadith teaches parents that part of their responsibility is to prepare their children for life with both nurturing and guidance. Teaching independence is not rejection, but an act of responsibility done with mercy. 

By reassuring your child that independence is a form of trust, and by combining firmness with warmth, you create a secure bond that reflects both parental duty and divine wisdom. In this way, your child learns that growing in capability does not mean losing your love but rather deepening it.