How to Bond With a Child Who Feels Harder to Connect With 

Parenting Perspective 

Attachment Is About Effort, Not Matching Personalities 

It is natural for parents to feel more easily connected to a child whose temperament aligns closely with their own. However, recognising this is the first step towards nurturing a deeper bond with the child who feels harder to connect with. Attachment is not about matching personalities perfectly but about consistent, patient effort to meet your child’s unique emotional needs. 

Learn Their Unique Ways of Connecting 

Begin by observing and learning your child’s particular ways of expressing love and seeking comfort. This child may communicate differently, perhaps needing more quiet reassurance or gentle encouragement before opening up. Respect their pace rather than expecting the same responses you share with your other child. 

Build Attachment Through Deliberate Action 

You can build attachment through small, deliberate actions. Set aside regular moments of undistracted one-on-one time where you focus entirely on this child’s interests and feelings. Use activities that are comfortable for them; this could be reading together quietly, drawing, or simply sitting side by side. Your presence and attention are key to making them feel valued and understood. 

Tailor Your Communication to Their Temperament 

Be mindful to communicate your love through words and actions tailored to their temperament. For example, if they are more reserved, simple verbal affirmations like ‘I enjoy spending time with you’ can be powerful. Avoid pressuring them to express affection in ways that do not feel natural to them. 

Respond With Empathy and Self-Awareness 

When conflicts or misunderstandings arise, respond with empathy and calm, showing that your relationship is safe and enduring despite difficulties. This helps deepen trust, which is the foundation of attachment. It is important to check your own feelings without judgement. Feeling closer to one child does not mean you love the other less. Express this awareness to yourself as motivation to be intentional in strengthening that unique bond. 

Spiritual Insight 

Every Child Is a Trust (Amanah) 

In Islam, every child is a trust (Amanah) from Allah Almighty, deserving love and care that honours their individuality.  

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Tahreem (66), Verse 6: 

‘O you who are believers, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire (of Jahannam) whose fuel is people and stones…’  

This verse reminds parents of their serious responsibility to nurture and protect not only physically but spiritually and emotionally as well. 

Each of You Is a Shepherd 

It is recorded in Mishkat al-Masabih, Book 18, Hadith 25, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Each of you is a shepherd and each of you will be asked about his flock.’  

This highlights the duty of care parents have towards every child, recognising their distinct needs and ensuring none are neglected in the emotional or spiritual sense. Islam encourages patience and perseverance in parenting, especially when connections do not come naturally. Your efforts to bond with the child whose temperament differs are acts of worship and fulfilment of a sacred trust. 

By showing intentional love tailored to each child’s uniqueness, you embody the mercy and justice that Allah commands. This approach not only strengthens your relationship but also nurtures the child’s confidence in their place within the family and in the eyes of Allah. Remember, attachment grows through consistent, heartfelt effort, not perfect chemistry, and every step you take to understand and support your child reflects your commitment to this vital trust.