How can parents recognise when monitoring has gone too far and is damaging the parent–teen relationship? 

Parenting Perspective 

Parental monitoring is intended to be a protective measure, but when it becomes excessive, it can erode trust and create emotional distance. A teenager who feels constantly watched may react by hiding things, becoming resentful, or withdrawing from the family. Recognising the warning signs of over-monitoring is crucial for parents to find a healthy balance between ensuring safety and respecting their teenager’s growing need for independence. 

Watch for Signs of Resentment 

Pay attention to how your teenager communicates with you. If they frequently accuse you of ‘spying,’ become defensive when asked simple questions, or have stopped sharing details about their life with you, it may be a sign that your monitoring feels intrusive rather than supportive. 

Notice an Increase in Secrecy or Rebellion 

If you notice your teenager is creating hidden accounts, disabling tracking apps, or being dishonest about their activities, this is often a direct response to feeling over-monitored. When a parent’s grip feels too tight, secrecy becomes their escape and a way of reclaiming a sense of control. 

Assess Whether Dialogue Has Disappeared 

Healthy oversight should exist alongside open conversation. If you find that your monitoring has replaced dialogue, where rules are enforced silently and without explanation, the parent-child relationship can begin to suffer. Monitoring should be a safety net, not a substitute for communication and trust-building. 

Recalibrate Boundaries Together 

If you recognise these warning signs, it is important to recalibrate. Open a conversation with your teen by asking: ‘What kind of privacy do you feel you need at this stage, and how can we balance that with keeping you safe?’ Agree on gradual freedoms that are linked to responsible behaviour, rather than continuing with constant restrictions. 

By recognising when your monitoring is pushing your child away, you can adjust your approach to rebuild the relationship on a foundation of trust, openness, and mutual respect. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam guides us to seek balance (mīzān) in all aspects of life, including parenting. While guardianship over one’s children is a profound duty, it must be exercised with wisdom and mercy, not with a level of control that suffocates trust. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verses 286: 

‘Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…’ 

This principle reminds us that our expectations and the level of scrutiny we place on our children must be realistic and balanced, not so overwhelming that it becomes a burden on their spirit. 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 636, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Make things easy and do not make them difficult, give glad tidings and do not drive people away.’ 

This teaching advises a gentle and encouraging approach to guidance. It reminds us that our methods of protection should be firm yet merciful, and should not be so suffocating that they drive our children away from us. 

By grounding their approach in the principles of balance and mercy, parents can ensure that their monitoring serves to protect rather than alienate their teenager. This approach teaches teenagers, over time, that their parents’ concern stems from love. It also teaches parents that true, lasting trust is not built through surveillance alone, but through open hearts, ongoing dialogue, and mutual respect.