What is the best way to respond if a child accuses parents of being ‘unfair’ in how rules are applied? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child accuses their parents of being ‘unfair,’ it is often a reflection of their frustration with boundaries or with perceived differences in how rules are applied between siblings. Although the accusation can sting, it presents a valuable opportunity to teach about fairness, justice, and responsibility. The aim should not be to dismiss the complaint, but to address it calmly and show that your rules are rooted in care, not bias. 

Acknowledge Their Feelings 

Begin by acknowledging their frustration without becoming defensive. You could say: ‘I hear that you feel this is unfair. Can you help me understand why you feel that way?’ This approach opens dialogue, de-escalates tension, and shows your child that their perspective is being heard and respected. 

Explain the Reasoning Behind Rules 

Clearly explain why rules might differ based on age or circumstance. For example: ‘Your older brother has different responsibilities, and with that comes a different set of privileges. As you grow and show more responsibility, your own limits will also change.’ This helps to frame rules as being responsibility-based rather than personal or arbitrary. 

Invite Them Into the Process 

Where it is appropriate, involve your child in discussions about rules and agreements. You might say: ‘Let us talk about what a fair system for device time would look like, keeping in mind that homework and prayers must come first.’ This gives them a sense of voice and agency, even if the final decision ultimately rests with the parents. 

Stay Calm and Consistent 

Avoid falling into the trap of responding defensively with clichés like, ‘Life is not fair.’ Instead, maintain a steady tone and demonstrate that while rules can be discussed respectfully, they are not negotiable through protest. Your consistency, paired with empathy, teaches children that fairness is about achieving balance, not necessarily about absolute equality. 

By responding to these accusations constructively, parents can help their children understand that family rules are an expression of care and justice, not favouritism. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches us that while fairness is a divine value, it is not always synonymous with identical treatment. True justice often means giving each individual what is most suitable for their specific needs and circumstances. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah An Nahl (16), Verses 90: 

‘Indeed, Allah commands justice, good conduct, and giving to relatives, and forbids immorality, bad conduct, and oppression…’ 

This verse reminds us that justice is a core part of faith and must be applied with wisdom and thoughtfulness, not just with rigid uniformity. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 2587, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and be just with your children.’ 

This command underscores the parental obligation to be just. It serves as a reminder for parents to be mindful that their decisions reflect true fairness, even if a child is not immediately able to appreciate the wisdom behind them. 

By sharing this deeper wisdom, parents can help reassure their children that the family’s rules are an expression of love and an attempt to enact fairness as understood in the sight of Allah Almighty. Over time, this helps children learn that true fairness is not always about everyone getting the same thing, but about everyone getting the care and guidance that benefits them most.