Should I treat my children differently because of SEN needs? 

Parenting Perspective 

Fairness Means Meeting Unique Needs 

When one child has special educational needs (SEN), parents often wonder if giving them extra support feels unfair to their siblings. The reality is that treating children the same does not always mean treating them justly. Fairness means recognising each child’s unique situation, strengths, and struggles, then responding with what they truly need. 

Explaining the Situation to Siblings 

Explain this gently to your other children: ‘Your brother needs help to calm down when noises are too loud. You do not need that help, but you need different things from me, and I am here for you too.’ Use simple words to show that support is based on needs, not on who is ‘better’ or ‘worse’. This helps siblings understand that your extra time or patience is not favouritism but part of your role as a caring parent. 

The Importance of Balance 

Balance is vital. Even though your SEN child may need more practical help, do not let their siblings feel invisible. Spend small pockets of one-to-one time with each child, reading, playing, or chatting about their day. Celebrate each child’s strengths and efforts without comparing them. Involve your other children in supportive tasks only if they wish and never make them feel responsible for caregiving. 

Small acts of fairness, like listening to your other children’s worries or praising their patience, can help ease feelings of being overlooked. A home where each child’s needs are respected, not ignored or compared, builds love and trust that hold the family together. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam honours the principle of justice, which means giving each person what they are due, not necessarily giving everyone the same. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahl (16), Verse 90: 

‘Indeed, Allah commands justice, the doing of good, and giving to relatives… ‘

This Ayah reminds us that true justice in family life is part of our duty to Allah Almighty. 

Holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was the perfect example of fairness and compassion. It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 5098, that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and treat your children fairly. ‘

Treating children fairly includes adjusting your care and attention according to their needs. A child who struggles more deserves patient, gentle support, while their siblings deserve reassurance and love in ways that make sense for them. 

Remind your children that helping or showing understanding to a brother or sister in need brings reward. Encourage them to make small Duas for one another: O Allah Almighty, help me to love and care for my sibling. These reminders plant seeds of empathy and remind them that caring for each other, despite differences, is an act of worship and a source of Barakah in your home. 

When guided by fairness, honesty, and spiritual kindness, treating each child according to their needs does not divide the family, it draws hearts closer together under Allah Almighty’s mercy.