How to Notice What Your Child Needs, Not Just What You Missed 

Parenting Perspective 

Your love for your child is profoundly ingrained in your desire to provide for them what you missed. However, that same intention can occasionally obscure the distinction between giving and over-giving. When you offer from your own unmet needs, you may unintentionally occupy the space where your child requires presence, understanding, or structure.

 

Observe Their Emotional Responses 

Begin by observing your child’s emotional responses and behaviour to guarantee that what you give is in accordance with their genuine requirements. Pause and quietly enquire: ‘Is this for them, or for the part of me that felt deprived?’ if they appear restless, disengaged, or overwhelmed by an excessive amount of information. Rather than assuming that more is always better, allow yourself to check in. 

Establish a Routine of Reflection 

Establish a straightforward routine of taking a moment to reflect during instances of generosity. Observe the vitality and expression of your child. Ask with sincerity, ‘Is this what you desire, or do you have other preferences?’ Instead of presuming that you are already aware, that inquiry can facilitate communication. 

A Consistent Invitation to Tune In 

As a practical measure, you could allocate a specific time each day for silent observation, such as before nightfall or during a meal. Observe your child’s body language, listen to their tone and words, and reflect: ‘Are they seeking conversation, comfort, space, or something entirely different?’ This consistent invitation to tune into their signal enhances your awareness and disrupts the cycle of overcompensation. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam emphasises awareness and balance, while also honouring the intention behind actions. The evaluation of your generosity is not solely based on the amount you donate; rather, it is based on the level of consideration you demonstrate. 

A Reminder That Giving Should Not Be Overwhelming 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), verse 286: 

‘Allah (Almighty) does not place any burden on any human being except that which is within his capacity…’ 

This verse provides you with the assurance that considerate parenting is respectful of both the child’s capabilities and your own. It is a reminder that giving should not be overwhelming for either party but should be done with wisdom in order to meet the needs present. 

The Prophetic Model: Mercy is Not Always Material 

It is recorded in Sunan Abi Dawud that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He is not of us who does not show mercy to our young ones and esteem to our elderly.‘

[Sunan Abi Dawud, 43:171] 

Mercy does not necessarily entail the provision of additional material goods. Occasionally, mercy involves providing a calm presence that was never modelled, listening intently, or holding space. 

The need that your child has may not always be tangible. It may be a sense of assurance that their voice is significant, the opportunity to relax, the freedom to be weary, or the ability to slow down. That presence, which is founded on mercy, is of immense spiritual significance. By acquiring the ability to give with awareness rather than in a state of absence, you are not merely fulfilling requirements; you are also establishing a sanctuary.