How can I give my child advice that builds them up, not tears them down? 

Parenting Perspective 

Starting with Empathy and Belief 

Giving advice to a child is an art that blends timing, tone, and trust. Children are especially sensitive to how feedback is delivered. Even the most well-intentioned advice can feel harsh or disheartening if it is wrapped in comparison or criticism. To build your child up, start with empathy and belief. Use phrases like, ‘This looks tricky, but let us figure it out together,’ or ‘I know you can improve, and I am here to help.’ These words reassure your child that they are not alone and that their growth is supported, not scrutinised. 

Avoiding Comparisons and Naming Effort 

Avoid statements that compare them to siblings or peers, such as, ‘Why cannot you be more like your cousin?’ These phrases quietly plant seeds of inadequacy and resentment.¹ Instead, notice and name their effort: ‘I saw how long you tried before asking for help. That takes persistence.’ Gentle, specific praise helps your child feel seen, not evaluated.² 

Focusing on Growth, Not Blame 

When offering correction, keep your voice calm and your intention clear. Focus on what can be done better, not what went wrong. Use a growth mindset approach: ‘What did you learn from this?’ or ‘What do you think might work better next time?’ This keeps the conversation forward-looking, not stuck in past mistakes. 

Above all, remind your child that mistakes are not shameful, they are stepping stones. When they know they can fall and still be loved, they develop the confidence to try again. This is how advice becomes a tool for growth, not guilt. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, advice (Naseeha) is considered a sacred form of care, but it must be given with wisdom and compassion.³ 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahal (16), Verse 125: 

“Invite (people) to (follow) the (prescribed) pathways of your Sustainer with wisdom, and polite enlightened direction, and only argue with them in the politest manner…” 

This verse is not only for public Da’wah, it is also a guide for how we speak to those closest to us, especially our children. Wisdom (Hikmah) and gentle teaching are essential, particularly when correcting or guiding. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6013, that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

“He who is not merciful to others will not be treated mercifully. “

This Hadith highlights the importance of mercy as a guiding principle in every interaction. The Prophet ﷺ advised with softness, even when correcting serious matters. His approach-built trust and inspired change because it came from a place of deep understanding and care. 

When you advise your child, do so with the intention of nurturing, not fixing. Begin with a soft tone, an open heart, and an awareness that every child is a trust from Allah Almighty. Say a quiet Dua before giving difficult advice: ‘O Allah, guide my words and open their heart to what is good.’ This spiritual grounding transforms advice from mere words into an act of worship. 

By offering guidance with gentleness and faith, you model the very qualities you hope to cultivate in your child, patience, humility, and wisdom.