My spouse is more permissive, and I am more structured. How do we raise a child who feels both loved and guided, not pulled between us? 

Parenting Perspective 

The Challenge of Polarity 

When one parent favours emotional softness and the other prefers structure and regulations, the child may develop a strategy for navigating this polarity. They may turn to one parent for comfort and the other for discipline, or, worse, they may be confused about what love and authority truly mean. But difference is not the enemy. Children benefit from seeing love in several forms, including warmth and boundaries. The problem arises when those differences are not coordinated. A permissive parent may unknowingly violate rules. A structured parent may feel unsupported and overwhelmed. The child is torn between affection and accountability, and at times feels forced to choose between the two. 

Creating a Rhythm of Unity 

To avoid this, create a private rhythm of unity. Before confronting a crisis, discuss the rules. For example, establish screen time restrictions, penalty systems, or bedtime expectations. Allow the more permissive parent to understand that structure is love, while reminding the more structured parent that flexibility is not a sign of weakness. When both perspectives are regarded as valid, parenting becomes a collaborative endeavour rather than a battle of personalities. In front of the child, use phrases like: We both want you to feel loved and responsible or This rule is from both of us, even if we explain it differently. This teaches the child that love and guidance are not diametrically opposed; they are part of the same compassion. 

Spiritual Insight 

Balance is more than just a parental ideal; it is a Quranic principle. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Furqaan (25), Verse 67: 

“And it is those people that do not spend extravagantly, and are not miserly; and (act in such a way) that is a balanced format between these two (extreme characteristics).“

This verse, despite being about expenditure, exemplifies the spiritual attribute of Wasatiyyah – balanced moderation. In parenting, this entails avoiding both extremes: strict discipline and passive indulgence. A balanced child learns that boundaries are not barriers to love, but rather an integral part of it. It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6125, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

“Make things easy and do not make them difficult. Give glad tidings and do not drive people away. “

This Hadith provides the clearest parenting tone: be tough without being harsh, and soft without becoming confusing. When both parents embody this equilibrium, even in different ways, the child grows up supported by two pillars rather than being tugged between two worlds.