Should I use time-outs for tantrums or is there a better way?
Parenting Perspective
A child’s tantrum indicates that they are experiencing emotions that they cannot yet handle effectively. Time-outs have been commonly utilised as a way to pause challenging behaviour and provide an opportunity to regain composure. Many parents have noticed that time-outs can seem like rejection or isolation to a child, particularly when the child is in need of support and guidance. Instead of interpreting tantrums solely as disobedience, it is more beneficial to understand them as a request for assistance with emotions that may be overwhelming for a child to manage independently.
A more developmentally aware approach, often referred to as a ‘time-in,’ involves creating a calm space nearby where the child can relax under gentle supervision. This approach focusses on managing emotions instead of just imposing quietness. Establishing calm and consistent routines, setting clear boundaries, and using gentle redirection can frequently help avoid tantrums entirely. When these situations arise, demonstrating calm behaviour, providing the child with straightforward options, and giving them time to recover before addressing the matter helps build trust and teaches the child to handle their emotions more effectively in the future. Children require assistance in developing self-regulation rather than facing punishment when they do not meet expectations.
Spiritual Insight
According to Islamic teachings, raising children involves not just establishing boundaries, but also fostering emotional strength with compassion. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Tawbah (9), Verse 71: ‘And the believing men and the believing women, some of them are role models for each other; where they encourage (the doing of) positive (moral actions), and forbid (the doing of) negative (immoral actions); and they establish their prayer and make the benevolent donations ‘Zakah’, and they (sincerely) obey (the commandments) of Allah (Almighty) and His Messenger (Prophet Muhammad ﷺ.’ Parents play the role of guiding with justice and mercy, nurturing both discipline and compassion in their children.
It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2319a, that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ stated: ‘He who shows no mercy to the people, Allah, the Exalted and Glorious, does not show mercy to him.’ This Hadith emphasises that maintaining discipline should not compromise our ability to show empathy. When a child is upset, pulling away love or connection, even for a short time, can damage the trust essential for their healthy moral growth. The method of the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was characterised by patience, even when addressing errors. By providing gentle guidance, demonstrating self-control, and showing affection, children understand not only the actions they should take but also the reasons behind those actions. In this manner, time-ins or compassionate pauses provide a more faith-aligned approach for directing behaviour. In a family grounded in patience and compassion, emotional learning is approached thoughtfully, with the aim of cultivating hearts that remember Allah Almighty and embody His mercy.
