Is it better to hold or leave my child during a tantrum?
Parenting Perspective
Tantrums can be challenging for both the child and the parent, especially when it comes to choosing between staying nearby or allowing the child some distance. The response largely hinges on the child’s age, personality, and the root cause of the behaviour. Young children frequently do not have the words to communicate their feelings of distress. They may feel more secure when a trusted adult is nearby, even if the child is not prepared to talk. However, being present does not always require physical contact. During these times, it is often best to stay close, keeping a calm and composed demeanour. Use your body language to convey that you are present and not responding with frustration.
It is generally not recommended to physically hold or restrain a child during a tantrum unless there is a concern for safety, like hitting, biting, or self-injury. It is important to approach this matter with care and to use straightforward, unbiased language. As kids develop, some might seek distance to manage their feelings, while others may require proximity and support. It is essential to maintain consistency, establish clear boundaries, and be emotionally available while avoiding excessive reactions. Children need to understand that throwing tantrums will not alter the rules, while also recognising that their feelings are valid and acknowledged. Maintaining a connection without reacting impulsively allows children to feel secure and, as time goes on, gives them a greater sense of control over their actions.
Spiritual Insight
In Islamic tradition, there is a strong emphasis on the importance of managing one’s emotions and showing compassion as a parent. Children are born with a natural purity and innocence, but their emotional growth needs careful guidance. Tantrums indicate a stage of development, rather than a sign of poor character. Responding with patience, organisation, and a calm demeanour reflects the nurturing approach of the Prophet. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Furqaan (25), Verse 63: ‘And the true servants of the One Who is Most Beneficent are those who, wander around the Earth with humility; and when they are addressed by the ignorant people, they say: “peace be unto you”.’ This verse talks about handling challenging individuals in general, but the idea of staying calm in the face of intensity is especially important when it comes to our own children. When faced with strong emotions, it is important to respond with calm understanding rather than anger.
It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1919, that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ stated:
‘He is not one of us who does not have mercy on our young and does not respect our elders.’ This Hadith teaches us that mercy requires action and careful consideration. It emphasises the importance of not leaving a child emotionally unsupported during chaotic times while also avoiding the encouragement of disruptive behaviour. This approach reflects a balanced and compassionate response. Choosing to remain near, without necessarily holding or isolating, reflects Sabr (patience) and Rahmah (mercy) two essential qualities in the upbringing of emotionally balanced children.
