How do I set boundaries during a tantrum without escalating the situation?
Parenting Perspective
When a child is having a tantrum, it can be easy to either give in or react with strong feelings. However, neither of these methods assists the child in managing challenging emotions. Setting boundaries gives children a feeling of security and consistency, even if they push back against them. It is important to stay composed, steady, and straightforward. When boundaries are communicated calmly and respectfully, they are more likely to be accepted, even if they are not initially embraced. For instance, if a child is having a tantrum over wanting a toy or to stay up late, calmly explain the rule one time and refrain from engaging in arguments or negotiations at that moment. Keep your body language calm and approachable and try not to display any signs of frustration or anger.
It is essential to keep in mind that tantrums typically lack logic. Young children are in the process of understanding how to deal with feelings of disappointment, tiredness, or being overwhelmed. Your steady and reassuring presence provides stability during difficult times, demonstrating the emotional control you hope they will learn to achieve. Consider lowering your voice rather than raising it and aim to keep your sentences concise and straightforward. Offer a restricted option, such ‘You may sit with me, or you may sit on the mat,’ if it is suitable. This allows the child to feel a sense of control within the limits you have established, which can help prevent further escalation.
Spiritual Insight
Islam promotes fairness, equity, and kindness in family relationships. Establishing limits with patience and mercy embodies the principles of effective parenting as taught by the prophets. It is important for children to understand that their feelings are legitimate, yet there are still boundaries that need to be respected. When parents manage tantrums calmly and thoughtfully, they demonstrate a harmonious balance between kindness and discipline. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Furqaan (25), Verses 63: ‘And the true servants of the One Who is Most Beneficent are those who, wander around the Earth with humility; and when they are addressed by the ignorant people, they say: “peace be unto you”.’ This verse encourages us to react to provocation not with the same intensity, but with composed dignity. In our approach to parenting, we should respond to a child’s distress with calmness and a steady demeanour, rather than resorting to reactive discipline.
It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6114, that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ stated: ‘The strong man is not the one who is good at wrestling, but the strong man is the one who controls himself in a fit of rage.’ By staying calm during a child’s outburst, we demonstrate the self-control that is valued in Islam. This approach helps maintain our relationship with the child while also demonstrating how to handle anger or frustration within acceptable moral and emotional limits. Establishing clear boundaries with both strength and kindness is a demonstration of care and a duty to oneself.
