What are helpful things to say during a tantrum to make my child feel seen?
Parenting Perspective
Tantrums frequently serve as a child’s method of expressing feelings of distress, frustration, or unmet needs, particularly when they do not have the words or maturity to articulate their thoughts effectively. In these situations, the language a parent uses can either make things worse or help calm things down. A straightforward recognition of the child’s emotions can assist them in feeling validated. Statements like, ‘I understand this is difficult for you’ or ‘You really wanted that toy, and now you feel upset’ acknowledge the emotion without encouraging the behaviour. This allows the child to develop emotional understanding and feel acknowledged, even when their behaviour requires limits. It is essential to communicate at a measured pace and with clarity, ensure you maintain eye contact, and use a calm and consistent tone. Refrain from engaging in arguments, making corrections, or negotiating during emotionally charged situations. Instead, prioritise building a connection rather than focussing on corrections.
This method does not imply abandoning discipline or limits. This indicates that expressing emotions is acceptable, but specific actions are not permitted. After the child has settled down, a discussion can take place regarding alternative ways to express those emotions. This balance between acknowledgement and moderation helps the child develop self-control while feeling that their parent is emotionally available and reliable, rather than impulsive. As time goes on, this helps the child manage distress and act more suitably, even in situations of disappointment or feeling overwhelmed.
Spiritual Insight
In Islamic thought, managing emotions is closely linked to the idea of Sabr, which means patience, and Rahmah, which refers to mercy. When a parent decides to react with patience and compassion during a child’s emotional outburst, they are demonstrating important principles of Islamic parenting. A parent’s choice to remain composed and kind, especially under pressure, aligns with the character of the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, who consistently responded to difficulty with calm and compassion. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Aa’raaf (7), Verse 199: ‘Adopt a forgiving approach, and encourage (the doing of) positive (moral actions), and disregard those who are imbued in their ignorance.’ This guidance calls for patience, righteous instruction, and disengagement from conflict. When applied to parenting, it suggests that a wise approach is to forgive the child’s momentary outburst, offer gentle correction when appropriate, and avoid becoming reactive or combative in return.
It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1919, that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ stated:
‘He is not one of us who does not have mercy on our young and does not respect our elders.’ This Hadith encourages a nurturing and emotionally considerate approach to parenting. Providing a child with words that recognise their feelings is a way to demonstrate compassion, while also steering them towards respectful behaviour. Communicating with understanding, clear language, and assertiveness fosters a child’s feeling of safety and trust. It reassures them that sharing their emotions is important, but it should be done thoughtfully and respectfully.
